Going away, doesn’t make it go away

I should be happy, thrilled, excited to go to such a beautiful place this weekend. I’ve never been there before. It’s our weekend away, our weekend to relax and enjoy each other. It’s a weekend to help us heal after such an awful experience of losing our child.

Instead, it’s a sad weekend. I just can’t stop crying. I don’t want this weekend. I want Julian. I want him to be here with me.¬† I would do anything to have him back with me. I want to touch those tiny little toes and rub his soft, bald head. I want to hold him close to me and smell his sweet baby smell. I want my baby back with me. He is my baby. He was inside of my body. We made him so why can’t we have him?

Julian... the sweetest baby in the whole world

I miss you so much Julian. I wish more then anything that you were here with me and we were watching you smile, watching you look around and marvel at the world around you, watching you being loved and held by your sister and brother. I would much rather be changing your little diaper and getting up in the middle of the night, then going away on a romantic weekend. I really would. I want that more then anything. No offense to my dear husband, who planned this beautiful weekend for me, but having Julian back with us is my real birthday wish!

How to be a Good Friend

Good friends listen carefully.

Good friends take turns.

Good friends say kind things.

Good friends share.

Good friends are dependable.

Good friends help each other.

Good friends can disagree without hurting each other’s feelings

Good friends respect each other.

Lilliana got this at school the other day. It is very true. I am thankful to all my good friends who have been supportive, loving and helpful during this extremely difficult time in our lives. It is a constant struggle each and every day and forever will be. The loss of our Julian has changed our lives forever. I will always think about him and cry that he is not here with us anymore. He was our little baby. He was real. This is real. We just have to try our best to make it through each day with the help of our children, our friends and each other.

In loving memory of my sweet baby boy.

Easter Cupcakes

The kids and I truly enjoy making cupcakes together for every holiday. This Easter, we made one of my favorites, Carrot Cake Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting. They were delicious even without the frosting.



Carrot Cake Cupcakes

This was our first holiday without our baby Julian, since his passing three months ago. It was so sad to be without him and he was very missed.

What is it all about?

Life. It makes you think sometimes, doesn’t it?

At times, life is happy, interesting and fun. At other times, it’s sad and dreary. And at other times, it makes you angry and frustrated. But then it surprises you, and makes you feel happy and fulfilled. You just don’t know what to expect. Life can start one way and end another. It can make you think and ask yourself questions you never thought you would be asking yourself. It can give you a sign of hope and at the same time, a sign of utter disappointment. So, I ask you, what is it really all about? Are we in charge of our lives or are they pre-determined by a higher being? Do we choose our paths in life, our present and our future or is it all mapped out for us and are we just going along for the ride? Do you know? Does anyone really, honestly know?

So, what do we do about it? How do we move forward each day? Is it all worth it? Is all the sadness and disappointment, anger and frustration, is it all worth it, just for those few days of happiness?

It is. It is. It really is. Life is not always easy, as a matter of fact, it is truly harder then it is easy! But, we have life. We were given life. So, we should get the most out of it. We are lucky, so very lucky, to be here, surrounded by family and friends that love us and want to enjoy life with us. Let’s take advantage of what we were given and do our best to enjoy it. Let’s show life what we are made of. We can do it, we can do it together, one day at a time.

Why haven’t I done this before?

So… my most favorite type of cookie is the White Chocolate Macadamia Nut. It’s so soft, so sweet and so very yummy! But, for some strange reason, unbeknownst to even myself, I have never made them before. Well, at least not until last night! Yes, at 10pm again. What can I say, cooking and baking is very therapeutic. It keeps me sane!

White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

White Chocolate Macadamia Nut Cookies

These cookies are so easy to make. Seriously. You have to try them. You will thank me. Just make sure you don’t eat them all as soon as they come out of the oven! Mike couldn’t wait to bite into them. They almost didn’t make it into this photo.

Next time, oh yeah, there will be a next time once this batch is gone, I’m going make them with chocolate, chocolate chips instead of the white chocolate chips. So, why haven’t I made these before? I will never have to ask myself that question again!

Three months…

Today marks three months since our baby Julian left us. Here is his final resting place… a place that is so cold and lonely… a place that is surrounded with lots of other little babies and adults that have left their families behind. Driving around this place just creates uncontrollable tears and sadness.

Every day I wish he was in my arms again, so that I could cuddle him and kiss him and tell him how much I love him. I long for those days with him again, those days when I looked into his beautiful eyes and touched his soft skin. Just look at him. He’s such a beautiful, sweet little baby. Here he is in my arms during his first days after he was born. This was his favorite place. Cuddled up against my chest. A perfect place to hold him tightly against me. A perfect place to kiss his little soft forehead. It’s exactly what I wish I was doing right now.

Julian's first days after his birth

His sister misses him. His brother misses him. His father misses him. I miss him. He was with us for so long, inside of me, listening to his brother and sister talking to him and anticipating his arrival. I protected him and now I can’t do that anymore. I feel so sad that he’s there and not here with all of us. Our family feels his empty space. We feel it at bed time. We feel it at the dinner table. We feel it when we’re all tickling each other and playing together. We will always feel that little emptiness. We will always miss our little baby Julian. We love you Julian. We are thinking about you all the time and wish more then ANYTHING in the world, that you were here with us, healthy and smiling.

Food Revolution!

Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution returns tonight (Tuesday, April 12) on ABC from 8pm-9pm ET for it’s second season. He’s running a campaign to push schools to start serving fresh foods to children at schools. This time, he’s going to Los Angeles schools. It’s amazing! We should all watch it and learn. We need to help our children grow up eating healthy. We can make a real difference in the future of our children!

Read more about this series and his fight against obesity.