Month: June 2011

Tonight, the four of us, went to Yale for a Children’s Memorial Service to recognize all the infants and children who have passed away over the past two years. It was very sad to go back to Yale and very sad to be at this service, listening to all the music and speakers and hearing his name.

As the tears poured out from all of us, we just held each other close,remembering our sweet little baby Julian. It was so sad. As one of the speakers said, “we all wish we weren’t there”. I wish so much that I wasn’t there tonight and that life had turned out differently. It is just so painful. All I wanted to do today was crawl into a little hole and close my eyes and be with him again. This is just too much. It is all just too much. Not just the sadness but dealing with all the other stuff that happens and all the emotions that come with such a loss. The pain is just so deep. It is so close to heart. He was our son. Our little baby. He was one of us.

I wanted so much to just go up to the PICU and run into the room where we lived for three weeks and see him again. I wanted so much just to be with him again, rubbing his soft forehead, kissing his cheeks and holding his tiny little hand. That was the last place where he was alive, looking up at us with his beautiful, sweet eyes. I love you Julian.

Well, my father is doing a little better. He’s still at the hospital in a lot of pain, but hopefully will be released within the next couple of days. I am confident that with some time, his pain and ribs will heal.

Unfortunately, the sadness continues this weekend. On Friday, we lost another family member to cancer. It is so sad and my heart goes out to my cousins who have to go through the pain of losing their father. They lost their mother a few years back, also to cancer, so this is very, very sad for all of us. It must be so difficult to lose both parents in such a short time and so young. All I can think about it is how perhaps the father is going back to be with his dear wife and share the news of their beautiful grandchildren, as she never got to meet any of them.

My heart aches for them and in memory of how I felt that day that our Julian left us. May they be comforted by our love in the weeks, months and years to come. We love you and hope your parents will take care of my Julian.

I just can’t believe it…. I thought our days at the hospital were over but we were there yet again today, in the Emergency Room. This time it is my father. He fell off the ladder this afternoon and ended up in the ER with three cracked ribs and a collapsed lung. They are still running more tests to be sure that’s all that happened to him. It was so very difficult walking into that hospital and into that ER. The first thing I noticed were the stretchers out front. My heart started racing. When the chest x-ray man came into the room, I had images of all those chest x-rays they gave my poor Julian. They always came into our room during the middle of the night and early in the morning to give him x-rays. It was awful to watch them move his tiny, helpless body around and the tears coming down his cheeks. I was so tired of all those x-rays.

Today was difficult. It was supposed to be a happy day but ended up being a sad day. My father will be alright. It will take many weeks to heal, but his pain will heal. Mine has not healed nor will it ever heal.

Going into that hospital brought back so many bad memories. Watching my father in so much pain brought back even more memories. My father could verbalize “ouch” but my Julian couldn’t verbalize it… he just shed tears and had that look on his face, “Mommy, this hurts. Please help me”….

When is this going to stop? I am so tired of this. Why is this happening? I wish God would just leave me alone! I just want to be left alone and get some peace… just some peace. Every time I try to move forward, I always get pushed right back. It just doesn’t seem right. None of this seems right!