How does he decide?

I remember those days at the hospital when I laid by Julian’s side, stroking his beautiful, soft head and holding his little hand, trying to comfort him and show him my love and dedication. I laid there by his bedside to soak up as much as I could of my little baby. That’s all that I could for him. As he lay there looking at me, all I wanted to do was to pick him up and hold him close to my chest but I couldn’t. To hold him wasn’t easy as he had so many wires and respiratory tubing. Nurses had to pick him up and put him in my arms and when they did, I held him for hours at a time, as much as they would let me. Sometimes when tears ran down his face, I would feel so sad that I couldn’t just grab him and make him all better. For that is a mother’s job and I wanted to do that for him, I wanted to do that for him so badly. So, I laid next to him in the hospital bed, I had my little pillow next to him, and I laid there talking to him, reading to him, singing to him, holding his sweet little hand and rubbing his soft head. I did it every day for three weeks, for it was all that I could for him, but at least it was more then what I have now, because now all I have is an empty hole in my heart.

From all the needle poking to cardiac arrest, he suffered so much and all I could do was stand by his side and hold his hand and tell him that I loved him. It was all out of my control and it still is. After all those days watching him endure so much pain, now I am left alone, without him, enduring my own pain. He is gone now and I find it so unfair that God allows so much pain and suffering to such a sweet and innocent little baby.

It doesn’t make any sense to me how God, the almightly powerful one, could allow such illness and death to happen. We wanted him so very much, he was part of our family. We always wanted him and now he is gone. How does he decide who can have one or two or more or none? Some are so very lucky to have as many healthy kids as they want and others are not. Having a large family was always a dream of ours and now that is gone and I just can’t understand how does he decide?

Julian reading his favorite B/W book

I love you Julian and I think about you every single minute of every single day! I wish that I was still there with you, holding your little soft hand and looking into your beautiful, sweet eyes. You are my baby and forever will be. You are a part of me forever and ever. I miss you my little handsome man!

4 thoughts on “How does he decide?

  1. Liz,

    I am so sorry you are so much pain. I don’t understand either. I makes no sense to me.

    You are a such good mother and so strong and brave.

    I wish there was something I could say or do but I know there is nothing that can make this better.

    Remember you loved by so many . . .

  2. Liz, As a mother my heart breaks for you. Losing a part of you is unbearable and unthinkable. As a women I have nothing but admiration for you because you share your most intimate feelings with the world. Even though Julian was here for a short time, too short of a time, he did feel your love and so much more. He does live on through Liliana and Lucas. I am more then confident that he felt your entire family’s love for him and how lucky and blessed that little precious boy is to have a wonderful and strong mom like you!

  3. Liz,
    Please remember that God works in Mysterious ways and his answers aren’t always what we want to hear. I believe he needed Julian,an Angel ,with him and spared him from suffering any longer time on this earth. We will never understand the reasons why bad things Happen to Good people, and that is the hard part-acceptance. Please do not put your dreams of a large family to rest yet… you never know what the future may bring you.
    I also wanted a big family ,but it wasn’t meant to be for us, since I have a rare disease which becomes prevalent through pregnancy- go figure. I was lucky to have my beautiful and healthy daughter. I must accept what God has planned for my family and try my best to live and love each day that comes as a gift to be with them.
    I pray for you,
    Love JOJO

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