I should be happy, thrilled, excited to go to such a beautiful place this weekend. I’ve never been there before. It’s our weekend away, our weekend to relax and enjoy each other. It’s a weekend to help us heal after such an awful experience of losing our child.
Instead, it’s a sad weekend. I just can’t stop crying. I don’t want this weekend. I want Julian. I want him to be here with me. I would do anything to have him back with me. I want to touch those tiny little toes and rub his soft, bald head. I want to hold him close to me and smell his sweet baby smell. I want my baby back with me. He is my baby. He was inside of my body. We made him so why can’t we have him?
I miss you so much Julian. I wish more then anything that you were here with me and we were watching you smile, watching you look around and marvel at the world around you, watching you being loved and held by your sister and brother. I would much rather be changing your little diaper and getting up in the middle of the night, then going away on a romantic weekend. I really would. I want that more then anything. No offense to my dear husband, who planned this beautiful weekend for me, but having Julian back with us is my real birthday wish!