Going away, doesn’t make it go away

I should be happy, thrilled, excited to go to such a beautiful place this weekend. I’ve never been there before. It’s our weekend away, our weekend to relax and enjoy each other. It’s a weekend to help us heal after such an awful experience of losing our child.

Instead, it’s a sad weekend. I just can’t stop crying. I don’t want this weekend. I want Julian. I want him to be here with me.  I would do anything to have him back with me. I want to touch those tiny little toes and rub his soft, bald head. I want to hold him close to me and smell his sweet baby smell. I want my baby back with me. He is my baby. He was inside of my body. We made him so why can’t we have him?

Julian... the sweetest baby in the whole world

I miss you so much Julian. I wish more then anything that you were here with me and we were watching you smile, watching you look around and marvel at the world around you, watching you being loved and held by your sister and brother. I would much rather be changing your little diaper and getting up in the middle of the night, then going away on a romantic weekend. I really would. I want that more then anything. No offense to my dear husband, who planned this beautiful weekend for me, but having Julian back with us is my real birthday wish!

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4 thoughts on “Going away, doesn’t make it go away

  1. Liz,
    To wish this birthday wish is expected and so normal. Perhaps once you get to the Cape and on the boat, and to Martha’s Vineyard, maybe you’ll be able to focus a little bit more on enjoying your time there with Mike. I have a feeling you will end up having a really nice time. Being in your house alone this morning, quiet, no distractions, how could you not be thinking of your sweet Julian? I pray that you and Mike have some quality time together.
    Love always,
    Lisa

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