There are no words

There are no words to express my sadness and loneliness. Everything is different now. People are different. Relationships are different. Life is different. I’ve been looking at Julian’s beautiful pictures and remembering what it felt like to hold him and touch his soft hands. He was my baby, my son. He is part of me.

I look back at photos of when I was pregnant and I can look into my eyes and I see myself there staring back at me and I wish so much that I could come back. I wish that I was the same person as I was at this time last year. He was inside of me, growing and we were all anticipating the moment of his arrival. We would think about holding him, about changing his diaper, about where to put all of his clothes, about where he would sleep, about cuddling and playing with him. Lucas would tell us all about what he was going to teach him, how he was going to teach him how to play with trains. Lilliana said she was going to read to him and make him laugh. We all had plans to be with him and enjoy his cuteness. We didn’t get much of a chance to do that so it’s tough when we think about it.

My three beautiful children, as they should be, "in love with each other"

It’s so much easier to be on the “outside” and say all the things that I am so tired of hearing… “you have two other beautiful children”, “he is your angel”, “you have to move forward”… I know people are just trying to help but really, this does not help. It just makes me angry and more sad. Don’t you think I know all of these things? I wake up every single day and I do fun things with my kids. We go on vacation together. We play together. We hug and kiss each other. Of course I know that I have two other children and a husband. They are right here with me. Of course I appreciate that they are here. Of course I love them and am trying my best to continue with life. I created an entire business, I took my kids on fun trips, I visit with family and friends. I am doing a great job. I am trying my very best and I think I deserve so much more credit.

What I wish so much for people to say and haven’t heard are “He was so precious and so beautiful. I can understand why you miss him so much. He was your third baby. You always wanted lots of children. It must be so difficult to be without him. It must be so hard to wake up every day and see that is not there anymore. It must be so hard being strong, yet real for your kids, your husband and all of your family. You must want to cry so much and feel so trapped and not able to. When you shed a tear and are sad you must want to just get a hug and compassion instead of looks of dissapointment. I’m sure you just want to cry sometimes and for people to say, “It’s ok to cry” “Go ahead, talk about him, cry for him”.

Just because I am sad sometimes, just because I talk about the sadness and the longing for him sometimes doesn’t mean I am taking my family for granted. I miss him because he was my baby, my child. I am allowed to feel sadness for him too. I am allowed to think about him. I am allowed to want to hold him.

So, here it is. Here is my sadness on paper. Here are my tears. It’s ok to feel this way. I just need your compassion and love and I need true friends. Friends that really care about me and about my family. Friends who can be understanding and not selfish and inconsiderate. Friends who show me that no matter what happens in life, they will always be here for me, as I am here for all of you.

Me and my baby, always in my arms

I’m thinking about you Julian. I love you Julian. I think you are beautiful. I think you are sweet. I think you are the most special baby in this entire world. I’m so glad that I was able to hold you. I’m so glad that I was able to see you every moment of every day while you were here. Thank you for being my son. You are truly magical and yes, my little angel. You will always, always be in my heart and in my arms.

3 thoughts on “There are no words

  1. Liz, this is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us. I think you are right about how people react to others sadness. I believe you should cry and be truthful about your sadness. What has happened to you and your family, really, well, just sucks and you should be able to say so. Thinking of you always, Shelley

  2. You know I am here when you need me and you can always cry on my shoulder. I understand what you are feeling and I will never judge you. He was a beautiful little boy and he is missed by all of us. I hope some day you are able to move past the deep sadness, but until then cry as much as you want and talk about him. i was lucky enough to hold him and love him and see him roll his eyes at me like Lucas and Lilliana (lol) and I would love for you to talk to me about him and about the great moments we got to spend with him. I love you!

  3. Hi Liz,
    My grandma used to tell me to be true to myself. So feel what you feel, and cry on the shoulders of those who you know are standing there with open arms; share your moments both happy and sad with those friends who you know want to listen. I have said this before and will surely say it again… you are an amazing person, and certainly an inspiration to everyone. I admire your strength, but also your ability to recognize that it is absolutely okay to not be so strong sometimes too… you are true to yourself. The picture of your three children is so beautiful. I can feel their happiness in the priceless smiles on their faces. I love how Lilliana and Lucas are both holding Julian’s hand. Thank you for sharing this picture. I will always be here for you.

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