There are no words to express my sadness and loneliness. Everything is different now. People are different. Relationships are different. Life is different. I’ve been looking at Julian’s beautiful pictures and remembering what it felt like to hold him and touch his soft hands. He was my baby, my son. He is part of me.
I look back at photos of when I was pregnant and I can look into my eyes and I see myself there staring back at me and I wish so much that I could come back. I wish that I was the same person as I was at this time last year. He was inside of me, growing and we were all anticipating the moment of his arrival. We would think about holding him, about changing his diaper, about where to put all of his clothes, about where he would sleep, about cuddling and playing with him. Lucas would tell us all about what he was going to teach him, how he was going to teach him how to play with trains. Lilliana said she was going to read to him and make him laugh. We all had plans to be with him and enjoy his cuteness. We didn’t get much of a chance to do that so it’s tough when we think about it.
It’s so much easier to be on the “outside” and say all the things that I am so tired of hearing… “you have two other beautiful children”, “he is your angel”, “you have to move forward”… I know people are just trying to help but really, this does not help. It just makes me angry and more sad. Don’t you think I know all of these things? I wake up every single day and I do fun things with my kids. We go on vacation together. We play together. We hug and kiss each other. Of course I know that I have two other children and a husband. They are right here with me. Of course I appreciate that they are here. Of course I love them and am trying my best to continue with life. I created an entire business, I took my kids on fun trips, I visit with family and friends. I am doing a great job. I am trying my very best and I think I deserve so much more credit.
What I wish so much for people to say and haven’t heard are “He was so precious and so beautiful. I can understand why you miss him so much. He was your third baby. You always wanted lots of children. It must be so difficult to be without him. It must be so hard to wake up every day and see that is not there anymore. It must be so hard being strong, yet real for your kids, your husband and all of your family. You must want to cry so much and feel so trapped and not able to. When you shed a tear and are sad you must want to just get a hug and compassion instead of looks of dissapointment. I’m sure you just want to cry sometimes and for people to say, “It’s ok to cry” “Go ahead, talk about him, cry for him”.
Just because I am sad sometimes, just because I talk about the sadness and the longing for him sometimes doesn’t mean I am taking my family for granted. I miss him because he was my baby, my child. I am allowed to feel sadness for him too. I am allowed to think about him. I am allowed to want to hold him.
So, here it is. Here is my sadness on paper. Here are my tears. It’s ok to feel this way. I just need your compassion and love and I need true friends. Friends that really care about me and about my family. Friends who can be understanding and not selfish and inconsiderate. Friends who show me that no matter what happens in life, they will always be here for me, as I am here for all of you.
I’m thinking about you Julian. I love you Julian. I think you are beautiful. I think you are sweet. I think you are the most special baby in this entire world. I’m so glad that I was able to hold you. I’m so glad that I was able to see you every moment of every day while you were here. Thank you for being my son. You are truly magical and yes, my little angel. You will always, always be in my heart and in my arms.