Silence

It seems that I haven’t been able to write much on my blog lately. Yes, we were on vacation for a couple weeks and yes, our electricity was lost for one week, but that was a relief because I couldn’t even find the words for you. I have been very silent about my feelings over the last few weeks and it is tearing me up inside. I just can’t stand it anymore. The tears haven’t subsided in days. I am so sad and so angry about a lot that has happened in my life over the past couple of years.

The weather is so cold and rainy outside today. It reminds me of the beginning of fall and it reminds me of our anticipation at this time last year for Julian to be born. The house was different. We were different.

Lilliana returned to school today. She is in third grade now and I am going to miss her so very much. Lucas starts pre-school tomorrow too. These were the days that I was looking forward too because it would allow me some alone time with Julian. It was his turn for my full attention and now he isn’t here and I will be all alone. Actually, I’ve been alone for a long time. Yes, physically I have family and friends but emotionally I am alone. I can’t express to you the overwhelming sadness that takes over your body when you lose a child, when you lose yourself. There is a big hole in my heart. I am dreading tomorrow. I should be happy for my little Lucas because it is a very exciting time in his life but tomorrow will be difficult. I’m not going to lie to you. It will be extremely difficult.

I have planned out what I will be doing on those three mornings when he is in pre-school and I pray to God that it helps me get through this most difficult time, but with the Fall approaching and our little baby Julian’s first birthday, the loneliness will take over my entire self. I can’t even think about Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas. It makes me so sick to my stomach to think about all of this, to think about all of it, all that has happened to me physically, emotionally and spiritually.