I am having an extremely difficult time breathing right now, just thinking about the holidays. Thanksgiving is just a couple days away, it is also my nephew’s first birthday (he’s just a couple weeks younger then Julian) and I don’t know if we can celebrate this holiday with our family. This is so hard and so sad but I just can’t bring myself to decide… and every time I think about it, my heart starts panicking and my breathes become more difficult.
I’ve heard from others that have lost someone in their lives, that birthdays and holidays are the most difficult. I get it now! I really get it. I think I am a very strong person, but I don’t know if I can deal with the holidays, surrounded by family and friends, pretending to be happy when inside I am falling apart and wishing my immediate family (the five of us) was together again.
It’s a shame really, I used to love this time of year. It was always so much fun being home with Mike and the kids , hosting holiday parties, getting together with family and friends, cooking, baking, holiday shopping etc. But, right now, I just can’t do it, can’t even think about it and to tell you the truth, I don’t know if I will be able to do it as the time gets closer. So, what happens now? How did all this happen? Why did it happen? It makes me so very angry that this has happened and that I have to work so very hard at trying to live life again. It is a constant struggle!