A couple of weeks ago, it was Mother’s Day. It was a very difficult day, so much so that it has taken me two weeks to write about it. A couple weeks before that, was my birthday and the day before was our 10 yr anniversary.
These are all special moments to cherish and enjoy but you know, it’s not so easy to do. Frankly, I think I do a pretty good job at “keeping it going” and it’s all because of so many supportive friends and my beautiful children. Sometimes, even just laying with the sun in my face, helps me feel just a little better. Other days, the pain just needs to be released because it just is so very painful. I think about Julian constantly. I am his mother and that’s what mothers do, they think about their children. Sometimes, I stare at his photos and just close my eyes for a minute so I can remember touching his soft hands and smelling his sweet baby smell. When I look at the rocking chair, I remember all those times I sat in that chair, holding him close to me, rocking him and telling him how much I loved him. When I lay in bed at night, I remember how he used to lay there right next to me and I yearn to have him there with me again.
This is my life. These are my memories. All of these celebrations aren’t filled with the same tranquility anymore because things are just different now.
For Mother’s Day, we set up a blanket near Julian’s grave and had a small picnic. I sat there watching the kids running around smiling and being themselves and all I could think about was how much Julian would have loved to be there with them. He would have smiled with them, acted silly with them, laughed with them. That would have been the best mother’s day gift for me. It is sad enough for Michael and I to be without him, but for our kids to not have their little brother anymore, just tears me up. Lilliana came over to me several times, to “check on me”… she knows, she feels it too and because she is so sweet and loving, she wants to take care of me as much as I take care of her. That’s what people do when they really love each other.
Every day since then, I try to remember how much I adore my kids and how much of a blessing they are to us. We shouldn’t take any of our time here for granted. We should smile. We should laugh. We should cry. We should vent. We should dance. We should do whatever it is that we need to do, no matter what others think or what others expect from us, the only thing that will get us through the day, is to just do what we need to do to survive another day.
In loving memory of my little angel, baby Julian.