As most of you already know, it is easier to GIVE advice then to TAKE it. I have heard my share of “advice” from family and friends, and sometimes have my own wise words to share with others but it isn’t always so easy to follow it. Just the other day, I shared my words of wisdom with a group of friends. “We should focus on our “blessings” in life and enjoy them instead of wishing for what we don’t have in life. Sometimes, life doesn’t work out exactly how we would have wanted or planned but it is what it is so we have a choice to either feel happy about what we DO have or be angry, bitter and sad about what we DON’T have in life.” Like I said, easier said then done!
Lately, I haven’t posted much about Julian. Honestly, it is difficult, very difficult, to share my thoughts and feelings openly here when there is so much judgement out there about how I/we should be handling our life changing loss. However, I’ve decided I’m going to do it anyway, because it just feels so very good to share my story of our life with this beautiful, sweet little baby boy.
It’s been one year and almost 8 months since Julian left this world and I am still struggling with the why? why did this happen? how? how can God allow this to happen to our family? where? where did he go, is there really an afterlife or a heaven? when? when will we see each other again and will we see each other again? and what do I do now? All questions that warrant some answers but honestly, will I ever get these answers? I don’t think so. That’s just not how it works.
So, I am going to try and follow my own words of wisdom and think about the 9 weeks that I/we had with Julian while he was here on this earth. I’m going to think about all those moments when I got to hold him in my arms and close to my heart, all the times I kissed his beautiful, sweet cheeks and all the moments he looked into my eyes and told me how much he loved me. Those are the moments that make me cry but they are also the moments that make me the happiest. I mean, just look at him. He is so sweet, so beautiful and those eyes have so much to teach us.
I’m also going to enjoy these days that I have with my other two children, Lilliana and Lucas (and my husband, of course). I’m going to kiss them, hold them, tell them how much I love them and embrace every single moment that I have with them now because this is my life and I want to try my best to enjoy it, to live it, without regret, remorse or resentment. I want to show our children, that its ok to have moments of anger and sadness, but its also ok to be happy, laugh and smile. It doesn’t take away the feelings of love for Julian, we still love Julian and we still miss Julian and wish he was here with us so we should talk about him all that we want, we should feel free to communicate all of our feelings but also allow ourselves to enjoy our life now too. We still have each other, we still have Julian in our hearts and soul, so let’s live in spirit with him by continuing to love and support each other.
This is our life. Our baby died from a genetic illness. It is what it is so I’m not going to hide from it and be quiet about it in case it makes people feel uncomfortable and I’m not going to stop talking about it. I choose to keep Julian alive not only in my heart and soul but in my words and continue to share our story with all of you in hopes that Julian inspires you to live your lives to the fullest in love, spirit and faith. Embrace all of the ups and downs in your life and make the most of what you have right now!