Two years without Julian

Today, on January 19th, marks two years since the death of our son, Julian.

This day changed our lives forever. The hole in our heart will always be there. We will always continue to yearn for his touch and always wish he were still here with us. That will never change. He will always be our son, our little baby boy, who suffered so much from this terrible illness, SMA (spinal muscular atrophy). We will always think about him, dream about him, talk about him, write about him and hope to one day be re-united with him.

A lot has happened in these two years. We have faced many difficult days, many days filled with so much sadness and loneliness. Luckily, there have also been some happy days when we have been blessed with feeling so connected spiritually to Julian. There have been numerous times when I have felt his presence, whether it’s when I put on a shirt that smells like the laundry detergent I used at the hospital, or hearing his name being called to another little boy, or feeling his eyes on me from his photos around the house or even when setting the table with Lucas and he asks to set a place for Julian.

There have been many, many signs that have helped me get through each day. For these, I am so thankful. For having him here with us for nine weeks, I am so thankful. For having my other two children living here with me, smiling at me, giving me hugs and kisses, I am so thankful. For such a loving and devoted husband, I am so thankful. For all of my close friends and family that have been so supportive and loving to me and my children, I am so very thankful.

Julian was a blessing, a special gift to all of us. Now, he is our own little angel, watching over us every day, protecting his big brother and sister. For that, I am the most thankful. Lilliana and Lucas love him so much and I know for sure they connect with their baby brother too.

Losing a loved one is so very painful. Losing a child is unbearable. It is something that I do not wish upon anyone. Living each day without my child is the biggest challenge I have ever faced. The only way to continue living, is to just wake up each day and try my best to love, laugh and enjoy the moments I have here now with my family. My children have lost so much too, at such a young age, so I have to be here to continue to support and love them, unconditionally. If I’m happy, they are happy and that’s what it’s all about, helping them achieve true happiness. I thank my sweet baby boy, Julian for giving me the light and strength to move forward each other. I do it with his unconditional love for me, his mother, who will always, always love and protect him and always hold him close to my heart as I did when he was here on earth with us. I love you so much, Julian.

Sending lots of Love, Hugs and Kisses to our son, Julian, today, tomorrow and always.