Today, May 8th, would have been Julian’s six month birthday. If he were here with us, he would be sitting up, eating baby cereal. He would be smiling and laughing at us. He would be making baby sounds and watching his big brother and sister playing. We wish you were here with us.
Happy Birthday Julian. Love always, Mommy, Daddy, Lilliana and Lucas
As I stood in the frozen food aisle at Whole Foods this evening, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I just stopped, dead in my tracks, and stared at the packages in front of me. Is this for real? So, I opened the door and pulled one of the boxes out. As I stood there, reading the back of the box, the tears just poured down my face, in the middle of Whole Foods. Even though the store was crowded, I felt like the only person there. I was all alone, all alone, just standing there reading all about Julian.
“My son, Julian, has joyously inherited this love of cooking and he has become my muse and greatest critic. It is said that by honoring our past we shape the future. And that’s how Julian’s Recipe was born.”
It may seem trivial to many of you but I just couldn’t believe my eyes. It is a new product, never been there before, never ever seen a product with his name on it and now, here it is, right in front of me.
I don’t know how I’m going to handle Mother’s Day without him. I miss him too much. I am his mother. He should be with me tomorrow. I was the one who felt his first movements inside of my body. I am the one who saw his beautiful face for the very first time when he was born. I was the one who said his name for the first time and held his little tiny hand. I am the one he whimpered for when he heard my voice for the very first time in the NICU. I was the one who laid by his side as he struggled through all of those difficult times at home and at the hospital. I was the one who stroked his face and wiped his tears the night he went into cardiac arrest at the hospital. I was the one who held him for the very last time when his little heart stopped beating. I was the one who changed his very last diaper. I am his mother. I am his only mother and I yearn for my baby Julian every second of every day. It isn’t a happy mothers day. It’s a sad mothers day because I don’t have all of my children with me. There will always be a part of me that is lost forever and no one, not any one, will every understand how that makes me feel.
Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.
I was fortunate enough to visit a beautiful, quaint island this weekend… it is an absolutely beautiful place, surrounded by the ocean with old style, colonial homes, amazing restaurants, bakeries and shops! Martha’s Vineyard is an amazing place to visit and possibly live, maybe retire there one day and live on the beach, running a little cafe of my own.
Granted it was cold this weekend and very windy by the sea, but the delicious food, warm lattes, beautiful views from the top of our hotel, crashing ocean waves against the rocks and sandy beaches and in the company of my handsome, sweet husband…. it was an amazing weekend and my sore throat didn’t stop me, thanks to all the lemon tea I drank, courtesy of our awesome hotel.
If you haven’t visited the Vineyard yet, I would highly recommend it. It is definitely an expensive visit, taking into account the ferry prices, the hotel, the restaurants, the transportation on the island and all the shopping you’ll want to do there, but it’s well worth it for a little romantic getaway. I’ve heard it’s a very busy place during the summer months but right now, it’s very quiet and serene and you have the place to yourself. It’s awesome!
Here are some highlights from our trip and things to consider when you visit the Vineyard.
Our stay at the Vineyard Square Hotel and Suites (formerly the Colonial Inn) was amazing, located right on North Water Street in Edgartown, across from one of the many beaches in the Vineyard. It is a very clean, contemporary style hotel, with friendly staff, white rocking chairs on the porch and a gorgeous view from the rooftop. They offer tea and coffee throughout the day as well as a free Continental Breakfast every morning.
Down the street from the hotel is one of Martha’s Vineyard’s five lighthouses, the Edgartown Lighthouse. It’s absolutely gorgeous and has a rich history behind it. You can read about it if you click on the above link.
Dinner at Chesca’s, conveniently located right outside our hotel, was absolutely DELISH! There are so many amazing restaurants in Edgartown, as well as the other parts of Martha’s Vineyard, but since I was in the mood for a little mix of Italian and Seafood, we settled on Chesca’s. Well, let me tell you, even though it is extremely pricey for very small dishes, it is worth every penny! When I ordered the Lobster Ravioli and Scallops for $36, Mike joked there would only be 4 raviolis and guess what, he was right, except there were 4 jumbo size scallops too. I also ordered an appetizer of Shrimp with a Thai Chile Sauce over creamy polenta. I wanted to pick up the plate and lick it, but since that wouldn’t be “good manners”, I took some of the fresh bread on the table and cleaned up my plate. The appetizer and entree were to die for! Believe it or not, these two small dishes filled me up, along with a nice glass of my favorite, Riesling wine.
I am in love with Espresso Love, also in Edgartown. Their Mocha Hazelnut Latte was so sweet and delicious… so perfect, that I went back for another one a couple hours later! They also offer freshly baked goods, breakfast and lunch sandwiches, soups, pizza and salads. We brought home some “love” with their Espresso Love mug…. which I’m drinking some Lemon tea from right now.
There were more delicious baked goodies at MV’s Gourmet Bakery in Oak Bluffs too. I got a sweet and yummy almond croissant. For those of you who don’t know my weakness when it comes to baked goods, it’s the croissant, every kind of croissant, plain, almond, cheese and chocolate! If I ever visit Paris, I’ll come back 20 pounds heavier from eating croissants all day, every day!
Here are some more amazing photos of the island.
If you’ve never been there before, don’t wait any longer to visit the Vineyard. I can’t wait to go back!
I should be happy, thrilled, excited to go to such a beautiful place this weekend. I’ve never been there before. It’s our weekend away, our weekend to relax and enjoy each other. It’s a weekend to help us heal after such an awful experience of losing our child.
Instead, it’s a sad weekend. I just can’t stop crying. I don’t want this weekend. I want Julian. I want him to be here with me. I would do anything to have him back with me. I want to touch those tiny little toes and rub his soft, bald head. I want to hold him close to me and smell his sweet baby smell. I want my baby back with me. He is my baby. He was inside of my body. We made him so why can’t we have him?
I miss you so much Julian. I wish more then anything that you were here with me and we were watching you smile, watching you look around and marvel at the world around you, watching you being loved and held by your sister and brother. I would much rather be changing your little diaper and getting up in the middle of the night, then going away on a romantic weekend. I really would. I want that more then anything. No offense to my dear husband, who planned this beautiful weekend for me, but having Julian back with us is my real birthday wish!
Good friends listen carefully.
Good friends take turns.
Good friends say kind things.
Good friends share.
Good friends are dependable.
Good friends help each other.
Good friends can disagree without hurting each other’s feelings
Good friends respect each other.
Lilliana got this at school the other day. It is very true. I am thankful to all my good friends who have been supportive, loving and helpful during this extremely difficult time in our lives. It is a constant struggle each and every day and forever will be. The loss of our Julian has changed our lives forever. I will always think about him and cry that he is not here with us anymore. He was our little baby. He was real. This is real. We just have to try our best to make it through each day with the help of our children, our friends and each other.
foodjules.com 