I thought it was supposed to get easier.

Everyone tells me that the sadness and longing for Julian will get better over time. Well, I think you are all wrong because it seems to be getting worse. Unless, maybe it’s the circumstances and there has been a lot of reminders around lately.

I remember being pregnant with him and how wonderful it felt to hold him inside of me and all the times in the beginning when I would feel him constantly moving around in my belly. It was so magical. I can still remember that one day while I was waiting for one of my weekly ultrasound appointments at Bridgeport Hospital, and as I sat there, he was twirling around inside of me so much. I put my hand on my stomach and spoke to him, “Hi Julian. Are you having fun? You’re kicking around so much. Mommy loves it when you do that. I can’t wait to see you. I love you so much”. I can remember and feel that day like it was just yesterday! His movements inside of me made me smile and I was at my happiest during those moments. They are too be cherished and I hope I can teach all of you who plan to or have children, enjoy all of those special moments with your pregnancies, babies and children. We are all blessed to have these little people with us. They are a part of us and teach us so much. So, grab your little one and hug and kiss him and watch him smile up at you. I still love it when my mother hugs and kisses me.

I went to visit Julian at the cemetary yesterday and I felt so sad to see all of those children’s gravestones. It just doesn’t seem right for little ones to die. We’re only supposed to die when we’re very, very old (I don’t plan to die until after 100). I read many of their gravestones while I was there and one of them said “Baby Boy and the last name”…. that poor family didn’t even get a chance to name their baby. That is so sad. As I looked all around, with the wind blowing at me, sometimes very strongly, I felt so overwhelmed with sadness. My little Julian was there too. It just seemed so unfair. I wanted him home with me. I wanted to be cuddling him in my arms and putting him to my breast, comforting him with his eyes looking deeply into my eyes. Does it sound right to any of you that God takes these little tiny babies and small children from us? It doesn’t sound right to me at all and I struggle with this every day.

I received a book from the “Read to Grow” program that we signed up for at the Hospital. They send free baby books to families so they can read to their baby and teach them the importance of reading from the beginning. I believe in that for sure. When Lilliana was little she used to sit in her room looking at all of her books. One day, I went into her room because it was so quiet, she was probably 18 months, and there she was sitting on the carpet with books surrounding her, “reading” one of her books. I can still picture that moment in my mind like it yesterday too. It is so special. She still does this now. She wakes up early so she can sit in her bed and read without any interruptions. She does this every morning. She is amazing and we are very proud of her. Well, getting this book and reading the survey questions: Do you read to your baby? Does your baby enjoy the books? Do you sing to your baby etc… how can I answer those questions when I don’t have a baby anymore?

That brings me to another moment when Julian was here. Mike was reading to Lilliana and Lucas before bed (our night time routine) and I went in there with Julian, he was breathing and eating good that evening, and we read a baby book to Julian. Lucas said “we are all together as a family reading books. Julian is here”. I cry thinking about that moment. He was so happy to have his brother there with us. We had always talked about our anticipation of those moments. The kids talked to Julian in my belly all the time and we talked about looking forward to when he would be born and we could do things together as a family. That was such a special moment for me, for all of us, and little did I know that it would be the only moment we would do that together.

I apologize for all the sadness today. Like I said, I guess it’s the result of a lot of reminders these past few days. It happens sometimes, to no one fault’s, but just life and the road to healing, I guess.

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4 thoughts on “I thought it was supposed to get easier.

  1. Oh Bethi… I am so sorry you even have to go through all this. ou and Mike are such amazing people and you deserve to have all your children with you every day. Just know that there are so many people around you who love you and are here for you when you need us. We love you very much!

  2. Liz, this is a wonderful posting! The time you spent writing this and remembering anda smiling and crying is all part of the road to healing. We all tell you it will get easier because we want it to and know it will in time but we can’t really understand what you are going through. Julian will always be with you and the special memories you have will always be there as well. Keep sharing your feelings, thoughts and memories happy and sad doing this will help you heal and will hopefully bring you comfort as you keep going down the road to healing. You are a wonderful mother, wife, friend and a strong women who is inspiring people with every entry you put in this blog. I love you Liz and I know you will heal…in time.

  3. Dear Liz,

    I can not say “I know what you are going through” or that “I can only imagine” or “It will get better” because I know when I have gone through sadness in my life that those words were never a comfort. I do however think you are so strong and courageous. You should hold on to all the memories the good and the sad for I believe they will bring you peace and healing in time. Thank you for sharing them with us.

  4. Liz- I wish there was something we could do to ease your pain. You are doing what anyone of us would try to do, live each day and go through the motions. When they say it gets easier,it just means hopefully one day the pain you feel will diminish and be replaced only by the feel good memories of Julian.” The road is long, but you are not alone…”
    I pray for you and your family.

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