Ahhhh, the sweet smell of “the soap”

I know, it may sound strange, but I have a particularly fine sense of smell…. not only when I’m pregnant, but all the time.

Right now, I am smelling the scent of the Tide soap on my shirt. I will be enjoying this scent all day long because it reminds me of Julian. This soap was given to me by the nurses, while I was at Yale New Haven Children’s Hospital with Julian. I used it to wash his little baby onesies and socks and my own laundry, there at the hospital. This scent brings me back to those days with him. I miss those days and I wish I was still there with him. They were not the best days because of his illness and all that was going on around us, but they were great days because he was here with me and I could still lay next to him and kiss him and hold his little hands. I just can’t stop smelling my shirt. Why did he have to go? What does all this mean? Why is this all happening? I am floating around without any real meaning in my life, without anything to look forward to, without my little baby who was inside my belly for nine months. The one that I waited for my entire life!

I wish that you all got to meet him. He was such a sweet, adorable little baby. I was so lucky to have him. I just wish I was luckier enough to keep him.Missing him more each day!


Julian being held by his big sister

5 thoughts on “Ahhhh, the sweet smell of “the soap”

  1. Julian was such a peaceful soul – its interesting you write about smells and tastes so beautifully here, because I bet those were the best things he enjoyed with you, being so limited in what he could do in his short time here on earth. I’m sure his heart was at ease whenever he smelled that “soap” on his mommy, cuddled up safe and warm, whether in your arms or side by side. Scent is a powerful thing – it invokes memories and emotions so easily.

    You’ll always think of him when you catch a whiff of certain smells…thats his way of saying Hi Mommy, Love you!!<3

    Great blog, Liz – I'll be definitely checking in! And I may have to come to Monroe to snap up some delicious goodies this summer at the Farmer's Market:)

  2. I can only speak for myself when is say that I am better off having met Julian.I learned alot from him.You ask good questions.There are reasons for all that happened .Open your heart, all the answers are there. Peace.

  3. Liz –

    It’s been awhile since we talked and I think of you all the time. Though you may not feel it all the time – you really are strong…but that does not preclude a person from still feeling sad.

    Something I like to read (and re-read) when I’m overwhelmed:

    Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow;
    The same everlasting Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and every day.
    Either He will shield you from suffering,
    or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
    Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thought
    and imaginations and say continually,
    “The Lord is my strength and my shield;
    My heart has trusted in Him and I am helped.
    He is not only with me but in me and I in Him.”
    ~St. Francis de Sales

    I’m here if you need anything at all.

  4. Liz,

    Thought of you today as I was driving home past the library. I’ve been very empty myself lately. April 1st marked one year for my brother Mick. I know what you mean about “missing them more every day”. The change of seasons is just so painfull for me… another season without him. Without what should be…

    I’m crying for you and for myself as I read your entries. I do leave the computer still feeling sad, just not so alone… beacause you’re sharing yourself with all of us.

    Thank you.

    Kisses to Julian.


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