Too many tears tonight.

Tonight, the four of us, went to Yale for a Children’s Memorial Service to recognize all the infants and children who have passed away over the past two years. It was very sad to go back to Yale and very sad to be at this service, listening to all the music and speakers and hearing his name.

As the tears poured out from all of us, we just held each other close,remembering our sweet little baby Julian. It was so sad. As one of the speakers said, “we all wish we weren’t there”. I wish so much that I wasn’t there tonight and that life had turned out differently. It is just so painful. All I wanted to do today was crawl into a little hole and close my eyes and be with him again. This is just too much. It is all just too much. Not just the sadness but dealing with all the other stuff that happens and all the emotions that come with such a loss. The pain is just so deep. It is so close to heart. He was our son. Our little baby. He was one of us.

I wanted so much to just go up to the PICU and run into the room where we lived for three weeks and see him again. I wanted so much just to be with him again, rubbing his soft forehead, kissing his cheeks and holding his tiny little hand. That was the last place where he was alive, looking up at us with his beautiful, sweet eyes. I love you Julian.

My handsome little man

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2 thoughts on “Too many tears tonight.

  1. I’m so sorry you have to feel such pain. I wish I could take it away and give you your son again. All those times you asked me to sneak you and Julian out of the hospital and bring you home, I wish I could have done that for you. My heart aches with you and for you. I love you.

  2. No one should ever have to suffer the pain that you and your family are experiencing right now. I am so sorry for your loss and each day I pray that you find some comfort and peace.

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