Tonight

My daughter was so sad this morning, crying because she missed Julian and felt surrounded by all of his memories. I felt so helpless. All I could do was to hug and kiss her. I didn’t know what else to do and I didn’t know what to say, as I feel the exact same way all the time! There isn’t anything that I could do to help her, to make her pain go away and as a mother the one thing that I want to do for my daughter (and for my son) is to take away all of their pain.

The last couple of days have been busy with Food Jules and we’ve had a lot of positive feedback on the business and the blog but unfortunately, the sadness remains. The longing for our baby Julian will continue. The wanting of our little baby to be back home with us will never end. Food Jules is great and we are so happy to be doing this, to be inspiring others, to be helping others with their pain…. I just wish we could take away everyone’s pain, take away our pain, bring back all of our loved ones. We miss them dearly. We think about them frequently. We wish we could turn back the clocks and see them again. We can’t understand why this has happened. We find it difficult to move forward each day. So, let’s take a moment, a quiet moment, to remember all of the loved ones that we’ve lost in our life, to remember our love for them, to remember their faces, their hearts, their love for us.

Tomorrow, we will move forward and continue to show each other love and compassion, to help others and smile again… but tonight, tonight I’m going to cry. I’m going to think about the last moment that I held him in my arms. As I drove past the funeral home tonight, I remembered that awful night when he was there. That was the day I handed him off to a complete stranger. That way the day I handed my motionless, quiet, little newborn baby whose heart was no longer beating, over to someone that I did not know, to someone that was planning the arrangements for his burial. That was the worst day of my entire life and I hope no one EVER has to do what I did. Tonight, I will remember you Julian, I will think about your beautiful, sweet little baby face, your soft skin, your beautiful, big eyes… just like Lilliana said this morning, “Julian had the biggest, most beautiful eyes”. She loves you soooo much. We all love you.

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