Nights are not good for me.

It’s midnight and I can’t seem to go to bed. When it’s quiet in the house, it’s the time when I seem to be the saddest, thinking a lot about the day and how Julian wasn’t here to share it with us. This weekend, we went to NYC with the kids in honor of their birthdays. Lilliana was so excited to get her very first American Girl Doll. She had saved up for months to get the doll and all her favorite accessories. The doll that she picked doesn’t have an official name so we named her Julia.

Lucas enjoyed the train ride the most. He LOVED seeing the trains go by at the station, looking at the tracks, riding the train. He couldn’t stop smiling. My little Lucas loves his trains!

Aside from visiting the American Girl store, we also visited the Lego store and FAO Shwartz and showed the kids Rockefeller Center. It was a very nice day. We didn’t have time to do much of anything else because as all of you know that have kids, it takes a long time to do just a few things, especially in the busy city of New York.

We thought about Julian a lot on our trip. There were a lot of reminders along the way and we all think he would have enjoyed going with us. I think about him often and it is so difficult to function and be completely happy without him. I struggle with it every day. I feel so lost sometimes, well actually all the time. Life was so grand and so happy before all of this happened. When I was pregnant with him, I was so happy with my family, with my life, with my THREE children. Now, it is so difficult to answer the question I get asked almost on a daily basis by other moms, “So, how many children do you have?” I don’t even know how to answer it anymore. It leads to a story and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to share our story.

Now, when I look at the smiles of parents, who have everything going well in their families, I am jealous, I am sad, I am disappointed. I know what they feel like… I know what that true bliss of happiness feels like. I used to have it too and now it’s gone. Now, I can’t seem to get it back and that’s what makes me the saddest of all. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children, I love my husband and I am so happy they are still here with me, but I don’t think I can enjoy them the same way that I used to. I don’t know if I can be completely happy with life anymore. It’s a challenge. It’s going to be a struggle for the rest of my life.

Keeping busy with Food Jules and everything else in life, doesn’t seem to help much these days. As a matter of fact, sometimes it seems to be doing just the opposite. Perhaps it’s because of the Lyme and the tiredness and migraines I’m getting again because of the disease or maybe it’s because it’s difficult to get a good night’s rest anymore since Julian died or maybe it’s because of the relentless strikes and challenges that life keeps bringing me. Whatever it is, I hope it gives me a break soon and a chance to just breathe again and be able to really smile and be happy. At least, that’s what I’m hoping will happen one day.