Alone

Today is a very, very sad day. Plain and simple, I can’t stop thinking about my little baby Julian. As I’m driving Lucas to school, I feel the loneliness coming on… I feel the crisp weather outside and am reminded of this time last year and how I would be at the hospital right now getting my weekly ultrasound. I was anticipating his sweet arrival.

The house was different then. We were different. The mini-van is empty now. There isn’t a baby car seat in there anymore. Even Lucas’ car seat is not a toddler one anymore, he’s transitioned into a booster seat and now Lilliana is without a seat. Everything is so different and I don’t like it, not one bit!

I want to put that infant seat back in my car again. I want to look back and see him there smiling at me. Sometimes, this pain and loneliness is just unbearable. I”m being honest here, this isn’t the least bit easy, especially right now. In a few weeks, it will be his birthday. That was such a happy day for us. Our faces were gleaming with excitement. The kids couldn’t wait to meet their baby brother and visit me at the hospital.

The other day, I was organizing Lilliana’s paperwork from second grade and I read all of her journal entries from October-December and they were all about Julian, about looking forward to meeting him, about going to the hospital on Nov 8th to see him, about him coming home with us. Then, sadly I read the Christmas entry and she wrote her wishes and one of them was “to make Julian’s muscles get stronger because they are so weak.”She wanted him to get better and come home, we all did. We all wanted to live our life together, the five of us, as a family.

I am so tired of being so strong. All I want to do today is cry and cry and cry. Sometimes, I think that on November 8th, I will wake up, go to the hospital and see him again and everything will be ok. He will be ok and I will accept him with open arms. I would give anything for that to be true.