Yesterday was Julian’s first birthday. It was a day filled with celebration, thinking about the day he was born, and with sadness thinking about how he isn’t here with us anymore. I wanted to focus on our sweet memories with him, but it’s so difficult to do that as those memories are quickly pushed away by sadness and anger at God and the world. The four of us visited Julian and brought him flowers, toys, a stuffed animal, a balloon, pictures and a handmade drawing. I wanted to give him what he would have had if he was still here with us, a birthday celebration.
We took pictures with “him” at the cemetary, which was so sad to take his first birthday picture there. We ate dinner at Julian’s Pizza in Monroe and we baked coconut cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to him. The kids blew out the candle since he wasn’t here to do it. Again, so sad to be doing this without him. We also watched his home video and it was so nice to see his face again. I remembered what it felt like to hold him and kiss him. The kids loved watching the video but then the sadness and anger quickly returned, seeing him having difficulties breathing and remembering his days at the hospital and thinking about how he is not alive anymore.
This is not easy! We have to work so hard to manage each day and to try to live each day, but that is getting harder and harder to do each day. I find myself not wanting to open the shades in the morning to see the sun and wanting to just be alone more and more. Then, I’m quickly reminded how Lilliana, Lucas and Michael feel the same sadness and anger and how I am their mother/wife and I need to help them. It’s my job. It’s important because I love them too. So, I open those shades in the morning and I hug and kiss them and try to live each day as best as I can. It’s not always easy when people say or do the wrong things and sometimes I am really angry with the world and people around me. So, instead of being angry, I’m going to try to communicate better about my feelings and my needs. Which brings me to this…
To all that want to visit him and talk to him…. Julian is buried at the Gates of Heaven Cemetary in Trumbull. Please, go and visit him. I’m sure he would love to see you. When you drive up, you’ll see his beautiful eyes looking at you. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever see. He was (is) the most beautiful little baby in the whole world and he has so much love to give.
If you can’t make it to the cemetary, then pray to him at home. Think about him. Think about his smiles if he were here with us right now. Embrace his love by loving others. Be kind to others. Give of yourself to someone else. Stop hiding behind fear, anger and resentment. Make someone smile today. Even though Julian is not here with us anymore, we are still here. Everyone that is reading this right now is still here and has the power to show others love, kindness, respect. I welcome your love and your friendship. I am still a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter…. and my friends and family need me. Your family and friends need you too. Give them a hug today. Tell them that you love them. Listen to them. Make them smile. Laugh together and always, always remember our little baby, Julian.