Our Memory

Ah, the sweet smell of Tide and Julian…

The other day, I bought the original powder laundry detergent by Tide. While I was at Yale New Haven Children’s Hospital with Julian, the nurses gave me this soap to do laundry. The smell of it brings me back to those last days of being with him and I want so much to be with him, especially right now. He was here with us at this time last year. He was here in this house and I was holding him, the kids were holding him… we were enjoying him being with us and not knowing that he would be leaving us in such a short time.

I think back to opening gifts on Christmas morning with all my three children. In our pajamas, while I held Julian in my arms, Lilliana and Lucas opened their gifts. It was such a special moment and is such a beautiful memory. It makes me so very sad to think that he isn’t here with us this year, that I can’t hold him on Christmas morning, that we’ll be less one. I am trying to make sure he is involved in Christmas this year… buying angel ornaments for all the cousins, getting special mugs with his photo for the grandparents, getting gifts for him from Santa and from us. I know that many of you would like to see some snow on Christmas but I would rather have his place without snow, so we could bring him his gifts.

I don’t know if these little things will help me feel closer to him at this time, but I am trying, I am trying so hard! But you know, this is not easy. It is so difficult watching people smiling during this time, listening to holiday music on the radio, watching all the kids full of excitement. I know, I should feel happy that everyone is happy, it’s good to be happy, you should be happy… but on some days, it is really sad to see people so damn happy and unfortunately, that is just the plain truth.

Christmas is still a few days away, but I am already looking forward until this is all over… I want to bring in 2012 and hope that it brings better days.

I apologize for being such a Grinch. What I want all of you to learn from this is that we need to appreciate all that we have. We were lucky to have Julian, he taught us so much but most of all, he taught us to really be appreciative of each other. Yes, there will be many times of sadness and tears, but there are also days when I give extra hugs and kisses to my kids and appreciate that they are here with us, there are days when instead of continuing a disagreement with loved ones, I just hug them instead, because it’s really not worth it. We are more important then anything else. So what Julian and I want you to do this holiday season, is to show everyone you love just how much you love them… with kind words and small gestures. There are no need for expensive gifts, haven’t you ever heard of “it’s the little things that matter the most” and just a hug and kiss (or a “thinking of you” text as we are in the new age) is what really does matter the most!

Sending you all a virtual HUG and KISS from Julian, Lucas, Lilliana, Michael and me!