One thing remains the same

Spring is unfolding here in Connecticut…. the trees and flowers are starting to bloom, the weather is getting warmer, the kids are riding their bikes, even the ice cream truck is already out and about. But one thing remains the same, Julian is still not here.

For those of you who follow this blog, we’ve all been pretty busy with school, work and personal commitments but even through all that “outside cover” of our busy lives, our hearts and our minds keep yearning for Julian to be here with us. There are still reminders of him everywhere, when we watch television, when we go to the grocery store, when we go to the playground, we we go to the library, when we see family and friends. He’s everywhere and our loss is always with us.

This loss has been very sad for us but it has taught us a lot too. It has taught us who our “real” friends are… those that make us still feel like ourselves, even though he isn’t here, those who comfort and support us, those who really care how we are feeling, now and always because the only difference between today and one year ago is the time difference because the feelings and the longing and the loss are still the same. Julian was OUR baby, he was OUR son, he was Lilliana and Lucas’ BABY BROTHER and he is not here with us, he is buried underground in some cold, lonely cemetary. We can no longer touch his soft hands and kiss his sweet face. We can’t watch him grow, walk and smile. All of that is gone and as time goes by, that will remain the same, always.

Lilliana has been expressing her sadness lately and yearning for her baby brother. She has doubts as to where he is, if God really exists, why this happened and why she just can’t have her brother back with her. I find myself helpless because you know what, I FEEL THE SAME WAY! We all miss him and can’t understand it either, we struggle with feelings of anger, sadness and resentment but what I’m trying so hard to also show her is that we can survive it, just one day at a time. We continue to love and support each other, no matter what and be understanding and compassionate to each other and to others. It’s ok to be sad and angry, anyone would be if such a tragedy happened to them. It sucks and life is really hard, even harder now, but we just have to take it one day at a time. That’s all that we can do and no one should expect anything else. We don’t just struggle with it for one day or two weeks but EVERYDAY for the REST of our lives!

Thinking of Julian yesterday, today, tomorrow and always. I love you my handsome man.