Argh, truth be told, it’s another day of sadness. These days are so difficult, feeling so overwhelmed with our loss and life’s complicated twists and turns. It seems as if I can never catch a break anymore. This empty feeling will always be here, forever engraved in my heart and soul, but lately, things have been extremely challenging. There is just so much going on in life that continues to challenge us.
Maybe it’s because Lilliana and Lucas are getting older and will both be in school on a full time basis in the Fall and I will be home alone, without my baby Julian. Or maybe it’s because so many people, including my close friends, around me are having more babies and are filled with so much excitement and joy in their lives and I just have a hard time being around that because I wish it was me. Or maybe it’s because life keeps throwing me curve balls almost on a daily basis and I just can’t juggle them all any more. Or maybe it’s because people still don’t ask me about Julian or talk about him because it makes them uncomfortable or they don’t know how to deal with their own emotions, so I am left with all this sadness within these four walls of mine. Or maybe it’s because life just keeps going on for everyone else and mine has been standing completely still for over two years. Or maybe it’s because my heart is in a million pieces and I am constantly reminded in life that I can’t run home to my baby because he’s just not here anymore but buried under the cold, hard ground. Or maybe it’s because I am trying so hard to make life happy again and then something happens to pulls me way back again to this sadness. Or just maybe it’s because losing a child is the biggest loss and hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my entire life and it will be with me forever and I can’t imagine dealing with all this pain and suffering and trying to be happy on a daily basis for the next 50+ years!
Whatever the reason, there are a lot! I don’t mean for this post to be a pity party but just a reminder of how difficult life is sometimes and how we all face so many challenges and some are much harder then others. Even though Julian died over two years ago, and we still go on vacations with Lilliana and Lucas, still take photos of our children, still celebrate their birthdays, still post recipes and still continue to move forward with “business”, it doesn’t mean the grief is over. The truth is the grieving will NEVER END. My family and I need and will always need constant support and loving. We all need it as each of us faces difficult challenges in life, some more then others, and we all need constant pick me ups. We are human and we need those hugs, sometimes more then you can even imagine on some days. So, keep asking your family and friends how they are doing and really, really listening to them, giving them your full support as they might really need it that day!