The Journal

Tonight, we helped Lilliana with one of her school assignments, to fill the outside of her journal with pictures of her family, events in her life, vacations, memories, pictures of favorites such as Julia, her American Girl Doll and her two cats as well as a picture of our little Mickey (our black cat that lived with me in NYC when he was a little kitten. he disappeared a couple years ago outside our home and was never found again. we still miss him A LOT!)

Well, as I was looking back at the photos, I was drawn to the photos of Lucas the day he was born, at the hospital and it made me so sad. These pictures should make me happy but instead I couldn’t look at them. I was reminded of how much I wanted those moments again with Julian and how those moments were stolen from me. Those happy, carefree, completely in love moments. I wish he was here. I wish things were different. I know that I’ve said this a million times, but this hurts A LOT! If you see me around, it may look like I’m ok, but that is the surface. If you look deep inside of my heart and my soul, you will see all the pain and all the sadness and all the regret that he isn’t here, that he was born sick, that he died. My little baby died. He is buried underneath the ground in a strange place with other strangers. My little beautiful baby who should be here with me, in my arms.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending some time with my nephew, Jake. Do you remember him? He was born two weeks after Julian was born so those very moments that I am missing with Julian, my sister is experiencing with Jake. I know she is enjoying them. I can see it loud and clear and it’s wonderful for her to enjoy him. He is special. Well, yesterday I spent a couple hours alone with him, me, Jake and Lucas while my sister got some stuff done around the house. It was such a joy to see Lucas playing with him and looking at him. He didn’t get mad when Jake tore apart his train tracks a million times and he smiled when Jake crawled up his leg and looked up at him. I thought about Julian so much. I thought about those moments when Julian would be playing with Lucas and Lucas playing with Julian. Those moments when I would be holding Julian and making him laugh, seeing those tiny little front teeth. Well, it so happens that Jake took four or five steps on his own for the very first time yesterday and I was there to see it. He walked to me. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited for him, for my sister as she watched her little baby walk and for me, because it reminded me of Julian, Lilliana and Lucas. I tried to enjoy all my time with him, instead of being sad. I wanted to enjoy his diaper changes (even the poppy), the onesie, the kisses, the baby smell, the feeding of cereal, the first steps… all of it. I miss my baby. I miss so much.