On January 19, 2011 our baby Julian died in my arms. It was the very last time I ever held him, that I ever kissed his soft face, that I ever saw life in his gorgeous eyes. I held him so close that day and wanted him to live so badly but he couldn’t, his little body couldn’t do it, not even in his most favorite place. There are so many sad memories from that day. I remember holding him for hours, while the doctors and nurses called the funeral home and made their arrangements. I couldn’t let him go. I held him and held him, hoping he would wake up, hoping his heart would start up again, hoping he would look up at me with those gorgeous, special eyes and smile, but he didn’t.
At the end of that terrible day, I had to turn him over to the man from the funeral home. I will NEVER forget that moment, handing my sweet little baby boy, that I had just given birth to a few short weeks before, to a complete stranger! Just a few weeks back, I was at the hospital, filled with excitement, waiting to meet my third beautiful baby and now I was back in a hospital, saying good bye to him. It’s just not right.
The nurse wheeled me outside with Julian in my arms, because I had to meet this man that was taking him from me, I had to see where he was going, and it was so un-bearable to hand him over and watch him leave me, forever, in the back of some strange sedan. I can’t even express my heartfelt pain and sorrow that day. It is something, among many things, that will live with me forever, all those times at home and all those times at the hospital, the good days and the bad days and the very, very bad days. It all changed my life, forever. It changed all of our lives, forever.
There are still days when I wake up and hope this was all a terrible nightmare but it’s not, it’s my life, this is all real and it all just really sucks! There is no better way to put it. Losing a child is by far the worst pain that I have ever, ever felt. It is life-changing… I am living in this nightmare and I can’t get out, my days haven’t been the same ever since he left us and they never will be the same.
Sure, I can “cope” as best as I can, I still play and love my children, I go on dates with my husband, I created Food Jules. I’ve done all that I can to be “strong” but through all of this exterior, inside, I am weak, I am sad, I am angry, I am lost, for this is truly the worst pain that anyone can ever live. This hole in my heart will never be healed, I will never stop missing him and hoping that I can one day see him again. We all need something to look forward to and that is mine… to one day, be together with him again, to one day be happy that we are together again! We miss you, Julian.
“Each life is a miracle that changes the world and leaves it a better place than it was before.” Today and every day, we are honoring the life of someone very special who will always be remembered with love. Julian has truly changed our lives and the lives of many, those that were blessed to meet him in person and those who he has touched through our stories and pictures of him.
We will always talk about him and we will always remember his beautiful, sweet, loving, special person that he was. He was amazing, he was special, he was a gift to us and he will be always be in our hearts, in my minds and in our souls. Until one day…. we will be together again and I will say once again, “hello, my handsome man”.
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