Well, it turns out that I have Lyme Disease… now it makes sense why I have been feeling so run down and not myself lately. Well, besides doing a million things with the kids, running a business, conducting a cooking class, planning for our vacation and going through all of my emotional battles lately.
I’m not worried. I’ve survived worse, I can certainly survive a little fatigue and aches and pains. The hits just keep coming!
As we were looking for a place to eat dinner yesterday, in a different town, near the beach… we came across Elizabeth’s Cafe and as we looked closely at the place right next to it, we just couldn’t believe our eyes… there he was again, Julian’s Interiors. That’s right. I know it may not make sense to all of you, but to me, to us, it felt good. In Lilliana’s words, “mommy, he’s right next to you”. That’s exactly how it felt, for the very first time, it felt different.
Usually, I would have been so angry about it. Angry at God for reminding me again that he was gone. But, this time it felt like he was everywhere. He is everywhere. Everywhere I turn, whether it’s a store with his name on it, or a new frozen food product on the shelf of Whole Foods, or if it’s in the eyes of the man that lost his wife or in the little babies that smile at me…. he’s there. My Julian is all around me. It doesn’t help reduce the pain that I feel in my heart and it doesn’t make the crying stop but it feels good to think that maybe he’s with me, somehow. Lilliana believes it. She has been telling me that from the very first day. “He’s right next to us mommy.” Maybe she’s right. I hope so. I really hope so.
It just is. There are no other words. Life isn’t easy. Decisions are difficult. Things happen. People say things they shouldn’t. People do things that hurts others. And the cycle just continues. I guess we are all human. We all make mistakes. We all don’t know the right thing to say or do all the time. All we can do is try our best and be true to ourselves. Just being kind as best as we can. Staying strong and confident in ourselves.
Trying to be happy and enjoy life and each other, as much as we can. Even if it’s a difficult day, hour, month, year… just one foot in front of the other. That’s all that we can do.
Food Jules was featured in the Monroe Courier yesterday, June 30th. Here is a lovely picture of me and my beautiful daughter, Lilliana. Julian was there with us in spirit (I hope) and on paper. I’m wearing the necklace that was made for us by a sweet woman from Yale New Haven Children’s Hospital. If you look closely, you can see his fingerprints (in blue) inside the butterfly.
Thank you to the Monroe Community and all of our friends and family for their support in our mission to bring Julian’s story to others, hoping it helps others going through a difficult time.
By the way, gift baskets are also available…and are customized with any of the Jams, Fudge, Granola and Baked Goods of your choice!
My daughter was so sad this morning, crying because she missed Julian and felt surrounded by all of his memories. I felt so helpless. All I could do was to hug and kiss her. I didn’t know what else to do and I didn’t know what to say, as I feel the exact same way all the time! There isn’t anything that I could do to help her, to make her pain go away and as a mother the one thing that I want to do for my daughter (and for my son) is to take away all of their pain.
The last couple of days have been busy with Food Jules and we’ve had a lot of positive feedback on the business and the blog but unfortunately, the sadness remains. The longing for our baby Julian will continue. The wanting of our little baby to be back home with us will never end. Food Jules is great and we are so happy to be doing this, to be inspiring others, to be helping others with their pain…. I just wish we could take away everyone’s pain, take away our pain, bring back all of our loved ones. We miss them dearly. We think about them frequently. We wish we could turn back the clocks and see them again. We can’t understand why this has happened. We find it difficult to move forward each day. So, let’s take a moment, a quiet moment, to remember all of the loved ones that we’ve lost in our life, to remember our love for them, to remember their faces, their hearts, their love for us.
Tomorrow, we will move forward and continue to show each other love and compassion, to help others and smile again… but tonight, tonight I’m going to cry. I’m going to think about the last moment that I held him in my arms. As I drove past the funeral home tonight, I remembered that awful night when he was there. That was the day I handed him off to a complete stranger. That way the day I handed my motionless, quiet, little newborn baby whose heart was no longer beating, over to someone that I did not know, to someone that was planning the arrangements for his burial. That was the worst day of my entire life and I hope no one EVER has to do what I did. Tonight, I will remember you Julian, I will think about your beautiful, sweet little baby face, your soft skin, your beautiful, big eyes… just like Lilliana said this morning, “Julian had the biggest, most beautiful eyes”. She loves you soooo much. We all love you.
Food Jules was a success today at the Monroe Farmers Market. I can’t believe I did it. I actually did it. I created Food Jules and I brought him to life again. I was able to share him with others today. It was so nice to talk about him.
Although I was extremely nervous this morning, everything seemed to flow nicely once the market opened and people started coming by the table. I was so thrilled to see so many familiar faces…. THANK YOU to all of our friends, families, neighbors that stopped over today. Your support meant so much to me and I couldn’t do all of this without your love.
Even with a busy afternoon, I couldn’t stop thinking about Julian. As I walked past one of his photos tonight, one of his many ultrasound photos, I cried and told him that I would much rather have him here with me. Food Jules makes me feel a little closer to him. For whatever reason, it does. I hope that I can make him proud of all of our efforts. To share our story with others. To inspire others to love and to be thankful for all of their blessings. Mommy is trying her best Julian.
Oh, how I love looking at these photos… I remember holding him and having him close to my chest. I loved it. When Julian was born, he was in the NICU and I was downstairs on the maternity floor. Even at 2am, 5am, anytime, I couldn’t wait to go back to the NICU to feed him and hold him again. I LOVED IT. It was the most special memory of him. He looks so sweet and cozy laying against my chest. I wish I could understand why this has all happened. I don’t know if I’ll ever really know why he couldn’t stay with us. I wish so much that I could hold him again. No one knows how much this hurts and how painful it is to think about him and know that he’s not really ever going to come back.
foodjules.com 