Category: Life, Health & Wellness

Sometimes, I just want to scream!! This is too difficult. There is so much anger, sadness and resentment towards family, friends, God, and all that has happened. It is very overwhelming and so very difficult to overcome. How can we make these feelings go away? How can we breathe again?

This entire experience makes me feel so out of place… it just seems so wrong for all of this to have happened and to be feeling so distant from everyone.

I want to be happy again, to be normal. Sometimes, I just want to run away and struggle with feelings of wanting to move far, far away, just to get away from it all and start all over again. Would that make it any easier?  Can that help the pain go away?

What can help? Who can help? I don’t even know myself. All I know is that I need help. We all need help sometimes. We all need love. We need people to listen. We need people to ask how we’re doing. We need people to offer themselves up to help us in all different ways. We need each other. What we don’t need our people’s opinions about how we should be feeling. We don’t need critism. We don’t need awkwardness. We don’t need isolation.

We all deserve and need love and support. We need a warm embrace, some kind words, a thoughtful gesture. When times are tough, we rely on each other to help us get through it. We do it together. The best gift you can give someone is of yourself. Be kind to others. Be sincere. Be gentle. Love.

Some days, you wake up and are grateful for a beautiful, sunny day and your family and friends that surround you. You are ready to move forward and enjoy the day. You look forward to enjoying those beautiful memories you are going to share with the special people in your life. Even, if it’s just sitting around reading a book together with your kids, or going shopping with a friend or talking on the phone with your mother.

You love all of the special people in your life so you do it for them, you wake up and move forward for them and you do it for yourself. Don’t kid yourself, we all want to be happy and we all want a sunny, happy day, so we try our best to give that to ourselves and we try our best to give that to our loved ones. Friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters, they make life worth it. They make you enjoy that day. So, we try our best. That’s all we can do.

When life throws you a curve ball and you’re not sure what to do with it, just try your best, to love all those that love you and do what’s right, what makes you feel good and what makes others around you feel good. That’s all we can do sometimes, is try our best. Isn’t that what we were told when we were kids? It still holds true then, doesn’t it?

But sometimes, it takes so much energy to do all of this… sometimes, it is extremely difficult to move forward. You can’t help but remember everything that has gone wrong in your life, things and people you have lost, especially when it is so very cloudy outside. It is so depressing without the sun. No wonder so many suffer from depression on these rainy, cloudy days…. the sun really motivates you to get outside and enjoy the day, to move forward.

So, I’m sending all of you some sun…. some warmth… and some love. Go out and enjoy the day, just one day at a time.  Give your loved ones a phone call, a hug and/or a kiss and watch the sun shine inside all of you. For that’s all we can do, is to try our best.

Well, it seems that Lucas and I have had quite the luck finding those lucky pennies. In the last few days, we have found about 15 pennies and even a couple of dimes. I have no idea why this keeps happening, but it does.

So, yesterday, when we visited Julian, we left him one of our lucky pennies. Even though he isn’t here with us, it is our way of sharing with him. We also brought him a little gift from our recent trip to Baltimore. This was Lucas’ idea and it was a wonderful idea. He has been talking about Julian a lot over the past couple of weeks. He cries for him often and talks about him. He really does miss him. The other day there was a tiny carrot and he said “Mommy, this is a perfect size for Julian” and when I made the mini-muffins, he said again, “Mommy, these are so small. They are good for Julian”.

So, to all those people who think three year old’s don’t really “understand” what has happened, our little Lucas does and he thinks about him often.

Yesterday marked four months that Julian left us. Just four months ago he was here with us for the very last time. We are all thinking about you Julian, more and more each day.

Happy Anniversary to my handsome, sweet, loving husband of nine years, Michael.

I am so glad that we are married and that you are my partner. You have taught me so much about life, health, love, friendship, trust, respect, faith… the list goes on. You are an amazing person and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for all of your patience and love during this past year, it has been the toughest year of our entire lives but I am so glad that you are here with me, so we can help each other get through each day. Our entire world has changed forever, but one thing remains the same, my love for you. You are and forever shall be, my best friend.

I’m looking forward to the next nine years, plus. I don’t know what’s in our future together, but if we can get through this tough time together and come out stronger, then we can get through anything. At least God was listening when I asked him many, many years ago, for someone to love me unconditionally, to respect me and be my truest, closest, honest friend because he sent me you!

Thank you to Michael, Lilliana and Lucas for a peaceful, loving and beautiful Mother’s Day. The day started with extra sleeping time (which I need every day), followed by a delicious French Toast breakfast. We spent some time together at the park, ate a picnic lunch and enjoyed some time visiting Julian.

The kids made these gorgeous Tulip Planters, the day before at Home Depot. They were very excited about all the “hard work” it took to make them and are looking forward to making something special for Father’s Day too!

The day ended with a delicious Linguine Carbonara (great job Mike!) and some Mini-Cheesecake Brownies. The day was just what I needed, a calm, quiet, relaxing day with just the four of us.

Oh, and I can’t forget…. the sweet card from a dear friend, that I found waiting for me when we got home. What a nice surprise! Thank you to Lisa, for being such an awesome friend, always there for me in this most difficult time. She took the time to write a beautiful card and hand deliver it to me, even though she had family over her house and four children. She’s amazing and I’m very thankful for having her in my life.

Thank you.