Category: Life, Health & Wellness

I am so sick to my stomach over what has happened in our neighboring town. I think about these parents, these mothers, who have endured so much pain, so much heartbreak and anger over the loss of their innocent, little children. It is an unspeakable loss. It is a loss that will live in their hearts and souls for eternity. Being a mom who had to bury her my own newborn son, just a little under two years ago, my life and the life of my husband and children is forever altered. We live with this grief every day and so will these parents.

These parents will always carry around this anger and sadness. They will have questions, they will have up and down emotions, they will never be the same and it hurts me so much to think of all of them having to endure all of this pain. It is just so painful. Honestly, I feel like contacting all of them and just hugging them so closely because there are just no words. Nothing will make them feel better, nothing will bring back their children, nothing will cure this unspeakable loss.

Julian died almost two years ago. I have endured many days filled with sobbing pain, uncontrollable tears, anger, frustration, unanswered questions. There are just so many feelings that come with all of this. All of these emotions need to be validated because they are real. This loss is real. The only thing we can do for these parents, these families, is support them with constant love.

This morning on the radio, one therapist said, “Call. If they don’t answer, leave a message. But, don’t stop calling. They may not be able to talk right now, but its important to let them know, you are there for them.” This is so true. There are days when I don’t want to talk to anyone but it is so comforting to get the texts, emails and calls and to feel that people are thinking of us and that they love us. Some days, I do pick up that phone and call, text or email back and I couldn’t move forward without the love and listening ears of some very close friends.

Julian loved reading this black and white book. He loved looking at all the big, beautiful pictures and his eyes would light up every time I turned the page.

I miss reading this book and all the other books I used to read to him. He is missed every day.

Julian, you are such a beautiful, sweet baby. I want to hold you in my arms again some day.

On November 8, 2010, we welcomed our beautiful, sweet baby boy, Julian Michael Cerrato into this world.

It was a day filled with so much excitement, love and hope. As we were driving down to the hospital, we were smiling ear to ear, so excited to meet our baby boy. I remember the exact moment he entered this world, the doctor showing him to me and saying “Here is your miracle baby”. That moment will live with me forever. He was/is a very special baby, filled with so much love and life in his big, beautiful eyes.

As everything fell apart around us over the next couple of months, we continued to hope that he indeed was a miracle and that everything would turn out well but as you all know, it didn’t. Julian died nine weeks after he was born. Instead of spending days nursing my new infant baby and watching him smile at me and grow, I spent crying and yearning this horrible loss. It doesn’t seem real but it is, every day we have to live our lives without him here with us and it hurts, it really, really hurts. The only thing that gives me hope is that one day, we will be reunited and I will be able to hold my beautiful baby again in my arms and never let go again.

To Julian, Happy 2nd Birthday from your mother, father, big brother and sister. We love you and miss you so very much.

Julian, Thank you for the snow…. it reminds us all of you, as Lucas and Lilliana call you, “the snow boy”. They talk about you all the time and the snow makes today extra special as we remember all those days it snowed while you were here with us. We love you my handsome boy.

I am sure most of us would love to know what our future holds and if we are doing a good job living our life here on earth. What we fail to realize is that no matter what we are doing, we are all just doing the best that we can at that moment.

The important part is to enjoy each moment we are here on earth with our loved ones. Yes, we all have bad days, days when everything seems to be going wrong in our eyes or when it looks like we have been beaten so much that we just want to throw in the towel. There are days when we are just cranky, sad or irritated at everyone and everything. We ALL have those days, even my children have those days and they are so young. It is a human feeling and we are allowed to feel it. As a matter of fact, like I told my daughter this morning, we MUST express that feeling, get it out there and then just try to move forward, take a few deep breaths and think, “Why are we wasting our time with all this worrying or anxiety or anger?” I’m sure it isn’t worth it, so get it out there and move on.

I read a post yesterday that really touched me, ” In all of life’s unknowns, God never gets it wrong. We can have peace and joy in living in the not-knowing, while we wait to see what He has in store for us.” It brings up the obvious question that is on everyone’s minds at one point or another, is this all part of the master plan? Is there a master plan? Are the choices we make each day part of our path in this world?

Right now, I don’t think any of us really know for sure, but whether it is part of the plan or not, it is what it is, it’s OUR life here on earth. Let’s just do our best to be happy, truly happy and fulfilled with what we have here, by our loved ones, our close friends and family, the sun, the wind, the trees, the grass even the snow (yikes, let’s not think about snow yet). It is all beautiful and we are blessed to be able to wake up each day with a new beginning. Each day is a new day to step out of our crankiness and moodiness and give someone a hug or go for a jog and enjoy the fall foliage or just sit on the sofa and drink that warm cup of coffee!

Let’s not think about what tomorrow brings but enjoy what we have here with us today. Live in the present and try your very best each and every day to just be happy with what you have right at this very moment. Tomorrow is just another new day. I say, bring it on!

To my baby Julian, who’s second birthday is soon approaching, I live each day thinking about you, connecting with you in hopes that one day we will see each other again.

I came across this poem the other day and identified completely with it so I thought I’d share it with you all. To those that have shared a tremendous loss.

Just Be There

Don’t tell me that you understand. Don’t tell me that you know. Don’t tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.

Don’t come at me with answers that can only come from me. Don’t tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.

Accept me in my ups and downs. I need someone to share. Just hold my hand and let me cry and say, “My friend I care”.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of reading the last post of a fellow blogger. She has decided to “unclutter” her life by cutting back on blogging, facebook as well as other “things” that take up so much of our everyday lives. It was such an eye opener as I have been struggling with doing the same thing.

It seems that the more “time off” I get, the more I fill it with “stuff”. I just can’t seem to stop and even though it has always been a part of who I am and how I am built, a large part of it is also due to the emotional feelings, the reality of my baby Julian being gone and buried under the ground, bringing it to the forefront. So, I always thought busy is good but maybe busy isn’t so good anymore. Maybe sometimes, you just need to cut yourself some slack and just stand back and enjoy the peace and quiet. Maybe in that form, I will connect more with Julian. I believe that with all of my heart.

It may sound strange to some of you, but once you release yourself from all of these “things” and just focus on your breathing and on your soul, it makes you feel lighter, relaxed and happier. Over the past year since Julian’s death, it has been difficult to stay until the end of my yoga classes. At the end of each class, when we do the ‘Shavasana” aka, dead man’s pose, just laying there, releasing all of our fears, anger, frustrations and just meditating on our breathing, the tears just run down my face and I can’t stop them. So many times, I have just walked out of the class when it comes to that time. I didn’t want to deal with the sadness and I was too embarrassed with the tears. Now, I have realized, it feels better once I let it all out and just relax and when I do that, I think of Julian and I hear him “talking to me” and sending me his love. I feel closer to him. At the end of the class, I feel lighter and happier and I feel ready to tackle the day. It has helped me be kinder to those that I love, to accept the path that has been chosen for me, to enjoy life as it is right now and look forward to all that still has to come.

Yes, I have to admit, it isn’t easy. I also get inundated with the everyday struggles, the constant reminders that life is full of challenges and people are full of flaws. We all still shed a lot of tears over our heartache and wish so very much that it hadn’t happened and wish that he was here with us. It is difficult to understand why things happen in life, but I am hoping that this “enlightment” will help me persevere and hopefully, help others to do the same. At least, that is the goal of this blog, to help others by sharing our story and our everyday challenges.

Well, I thought I would share an excerpt from the blog that I read yesterday. I think it sums it all up nicely as well. Let me know your thoughts.

Love always, Food Jules.

Excerpt from another blog, “Last November I was figuring out how I was going to make it to teach Sunday School with my 16 month old in tow, get to the airport to pick up Nathan from another work trip, and find time to visit with a friend who had just had a baby. I just stopped. I was the busiest I had ever been.  I hadn’t worked in 16 months.  Why was my day more hectic than ever? It hit me right then.

I needed to simplify my life.  There was so much clutter that there were days I was in the car more than not.  I knew with the arrival of a second baby in April 2012 I had to slow down.  There wasn’t going to be the time to keep up this pace. It stayed on my heart for a while.  In late December I made my New Year’s Resolution the goal to simplify during 2012.  I called it “Operation Simplify.”

I printed off a Declutter Calendar.  I made a list of commitments I was ready to drop.  I made some goals.  I made some decisions.  My goal was to have nothing but family, friends, and Junior League left. I started small.  Throwing away a few things everyday.  Buying a lot less – food, clothes, toys…everything.  Making a few trips to Nearly New and Goodwill.  Saying “no” more often when asked to commit to things.  Just those small steps made me feel better.

Then I said no to teaching Sunday School for the 2012-2013 school year.  For the first time in 6 years I wouldn’t be teaching little children. Then I said no to running for a position on my mom’s group board when my term as VP came to an end in June. Then I cut my Google Reader down to just 8 blogs.  Mostly written by women and men I call friends.  People I’ve met through blogging or know personally. Then I instituted a rule {mostly out of necessity thanks to the exploratory hands of a toddler} that the laptop should only be used when the rest of my family is sleeping.

Then I deleted Facebook, Twitter, Google Reader, and Pinterest from my phone.  {Not totally though…I’m not that crazy.} Then I resigned from a few other commitments both online and with other organizations. Then I deleted Instagram from my phone.  I didn’t need to share and/or look at other people’s pictures 5 times a day.

It isn’t that I don’t have time.  These days I have plenty of time.  I wake up at 4:30 AM for heaven’s sake.  If I wanted to blog I could.  Instead I use those few precious hours before my kids wake up to read, drink coffee, and exercise.  I stare at my laptop knowing I should blog, but instead I end up doing something else.

So I’m saying goodbye.  Not because I don’t love food or readers or the friendships, but because I need to simplify.  I’ve started just sitting.  My mind isn’t racing from one thing to another while playing trains or cuddling babies.”