Category: Life, Health & Wellness

Today, as I was driving to pick up my daughter from school, I had to take numerous amount of detours as roads were closed for renovation. It made me think, this is what my life is like, it’s full of detours to where I want/need to be, as is everyone else’s life. Maybe it’s not as obvious as mine is right now, but it got me thinking about the old saying, “Life isn’t about the destination, but the journey.” Well, it’s true, and we all are guilty of getting caught up in our daily routines and tasks that we lose sight of what’s really important… the daily routines and tasks! It’s all part of the journey.

Instead of pondering on the fact that I had to rush from picking up Lucas to taking my mom to the doctor to picking up Lilliana, I took a step back and enjoyed the drive down to pick up my mom, the time I got to see her beautiful face, the moment she got to watch Lucas laugh and enjoy playing with his dinosaurs, the words that he spoke about Julian as we pulled into the hospital parking lot. (yes, as soon as we pulled into the hospital parking lot, he said to me “Mommy, this reminds me of Julian and when he was at the hospital”). These little moments, the detour to get to Lilliana’s school today, it’s all part of our path, of our journey in life, so we should take a deep breath and enjoy the beautiful sun shining in our face and the wind blowing in our hair. I enjoyed looking at the trees changing colors on the Merritt Parkway. It’s an amazing and beautiful time of the year, it always is, every single season brings new beginnings and beauty.

I thought it was important to share my food for thought from this afternoon. Hope you can stop, take a deep breath and enjoy what you are doing at this very moment and all the other times when you are in such a hurry to get to the next step. Enjoy your life. This is what it’s all about!

 

As most of you already know, it is easier to GIVE advice then to TAKE it. I have heard my share of “advice” from family and friends, and sometimes have my own wise words to share with others but it isn’t always so easy to follow it. Just the other day, I shared my words of wisdom with a group of friends. “We should focus on our “blessings” in life and enjoy them instead of wishing for what we don’t have in life. Sometimes, life doesn’t work out exactly how we would have wanted or planned but it is what it is so we have a choice to either feel happy about what we DO have or be angry, bitter and sad about what we DON’T have in life.” Like I said, easier said then done!

Lately, I haven’t posted much about Julian. Honestly, it is difficult, very difficult, to share my thoughts and feelings openly here when there is so much judgement out there about how I/we should be handling our life changing loss. However, I’ve decided I’m going to do it anyway, because it just feels so very good to share my story of our life with this beautiful, sweet little baby boy.

It’s been one year and almost 8 months since Julian left this world and I am still struggling with the why? why did this happen? how? how can God allow this to happen to our family? where? where did he go, is there really an afterlife or a heaven? when? when will we see each other again and will we see each other again? and what do I do now? All questions that warrant some answers but honestly, will I ever get these answers? I don’t think so. That’s just not how it works.

So, I am going to try and follow my own words of wisdom and think about the 9 weeks that I/we had with Julian while he was here on this earth. I’m going to think about all those moments when I got to hold him in my arms and close to my heart, all the times I kissed his beautiful, sweet cheeks and all the moments he looked into my eyes and told me how much he loved me. Those are the moments that make me cry but they are also the moments that make me the happiest. I mean, just look at him. He is so sweet, so beautiful and those eyes have so much to teach us.

I’m also going to enjoy these days that I have with my other two children, Lilliana and Lucas (and my husband, of course). I’m going to kiss them, hold them, tell them how much I love them and embrace every single moment that I have with them now because this is my life and I want to try my best to enjoy it, to live it, without regret, remorse or resentment. I want to show our children, that its ok to have moments of anger and sadness, but its also ok to be happy, laugh and smile. It doesn’t take away the feelings of love for Julian, we still love Julian and we still miss Julian and wish he was here with us so we should talk about him all that we want, we should feel free to communicate all of our feelings but also allow ourselves to enjoy our life now too. We still have each other, we still have Julian in our hearts and soul, so let’s live in spirit with him by continuing to love and support each other.

This is our life. Our baby died from a genetic illness. It is what it is so I’m not going to hide from it and be quiet about it in case it makes people feel uncomfortable and I’m not going to stop talking about it. I choose to keep Julian alive not only in my heart and soul but in my words and continue to share our story with all of you in hopes that Julian inspires you to live your lives to the fullest in love, spirit and faith. Embrace all of the ups and downs in your life and make the most of what you have right now!

On July 19, 2007 a sweet little boy was born. I can’t believe this little boy turns five today and is starting Kindergarten in another month. I remember bringing Lucas home for the first time and how much he smiled, constantly. He is our happy little boy, so sweet, so kind, so gentle and such a wonderful brother and son.

I remember the night he was born. We were so excited to meet him. It was the first (and only) time I got to hold my baby right after he was born. Since Lilliana was a preemie and I had an emergency c-section, I was only able to meet her the next day. After Julian was born, he was brought to the NICU right away too so I only held him hours later. When Lucas was born, I remember them handing him right over to Michael and me touching his little fingers. They even let me hold him on my chest, while they wheeled me out of the surgery room. It was one of the best days of my life and such a blessing to have him with me right after the moment he was born. I can’t express to you how much that meant to me and how much I prayed for that same blessing when Julian was born.

Lucas has taught us so much about life, even with all the pain that we have suffered over the last year, he continues to smile and show us love. Wishing him a wonderful birthday today, filled with lots of happy memories.

A couple of weeks ago, it was Mother’s Day. It was a very difficult day, so much so that it has taken me two weeks to write about it. A couple weeks before that, was my birthday and the day before was our 10 yr anniversary.

These are all special moments to cherish and enjoy but you know, it’s not so easy to do. Frankly, I think I do a pretty good job at “keeping it going” and it’s all because of so many supportive friends and my beautiful children. Sometimes, even just laying with the sun in my face, helps me feel just a little better. Other days, the pain just needs to be released because it just is so very painful. I think about Julian constantly. I am his mother and that’s what mothers do, they think about their children. Sometimes, I stare at his photos and just close my eyes for a minute so I can remember touching his soft hands and smelling his sweet baby smell. When I look at the rocking chair, I remember all those times I sat in that chair, holding him close to me, rocking him and telling him how much I loved him. When I lay in bed at night, I remember how he used to lay there right next to me and I yearn to have him there with me again.

This is my life. These are my memories. All of these celebrations aren’t filled with the same tranquility anymore because things are just different now.

For Mother’s Day, we set up a blanket near Julian’s grave and had a small picnic. I sat there watching the kids running around smiling and being themselves and all I could think about was how much Julian would have loved to be there with them. He would have smiled with them, acted silly with them, laughed with them. That would have been the best mother’s day gift for me. It is sad enough for Michael and I to be without him, but for our kids to not have their little brother anymore, just tears me up. Lilliana came over to me several times, to “check on me”… she knows, she feels it too and because she is so sweet and loving, she wants to take care of me as much as I take care of her. That’s what people do when they really love each other.

Every day since then, I try to remember how much I adore my kids and how much of a blessing they are to us. We shouldn’t take any of our time here for granted. We should smile. We should laugh. We should cry. We should vent. We should dance. We should do whatever it is that we need to do, no matter what others think or what others expect from us, the only thing that will get us through the day, is to just do what we need to do to survive another day.

In loving memory of my little angel, baby Julian.

 

Today is our daughter, Lilliana’s ninth birthday.

That’s right, NINE! I just can’t believe that it was nine years ago that I was in the hospital, feeling so very ill, with a 106 fever for several days, almost at death’s door. But, you know what, I can’t even remember how that felt because all I can remember is the excitement and anticipation of when the doctor announced to us that our baby would be born via emergency c-section in just a few minutes. I was in a whole new world when I heard that. I didn’t think about any of the possible complications that came along with having a pre-mature baby, six weeks early. All I thought about was holding and kissing my new little baby and starting our family together.

Lilliana is a miracle. She is a blessing to us, filled with so much love that it radiates from her. She is the best daughter in the entire world, she is smart, devoted, caring, honest, sweet, loving, beautiful but most of all, she is our daughter and we love her so very much.

So, today we celebrate our nine years with this beautiful, sweet daughter of ours. The daughter that changed our entire perspective on what is important in life. She has taught us so much and we are so grateful to God for giving her to us, a happy, healthy little baby girl.

I am sure that Julian is watching down on us today and every day, guiding Lilliana and Lucas through their lives. She is a great big sister to Lucas and she was a great big sister to Julian. We love all of you, our sweet, beautiful babies.