Category: Life, Health & Wellness

I am having an extremely difficult time breathing right now, just thinking about the holidays. Thanksgiving is just a couple days away, it is also my nephew’s first birthday (he’s just a couple weeks younger then Julian) and I don’t know if we can celebrate this holiday with our family. This is so hard and so sad but I just can’t bring myself to decide… and every time I think about it, my heart starts panicking and my breathes become more difficult.

I’ve heard from others that have lost someone in their lives, that birthdays and holidays are the most difficult. I get it now! I really get it. I think I am a very strong person, but I don’t know if I can deal with the holidays, surrounded by family and friends, pretending to be happy when inside I am falling apart and wishing my immediate family (the five of us) was together again.

It’s a shame really, I used to love this time of year. It was always so much fun being home with Mike and the kids , hosting holiday parties, getting together with family and friends, cooking, baking, holiday shopping etc. But, right now, I just can’t do it, can’t even think about it and to tell you the truth, I don’t know if I will be able to do it as the time gets closer. So, what happens now? How did all this happen? Why did it happen? It makes me so very angry that this has happened and that I have to work so very hard at trying to live life again. It is a constant struggle!

Lilliana and Lucas created a train a few weeks back…. one car for each of us, all five of us. It’s so wonderful to see them thinking and talking about Julian so much. Maybe that’s why I find so much comfort in being with my children and husband, because they enjoy talking about him. Almost every day, Lucas brings up Julian and not in a sad way all the time, but he talks about him. It’s so nice to hear, so nice to keep him alive in our everyday life.

Lucas always wanted to teach Julian how to play trains…. since that is his favorite thing to do. He still talks about that to this day.

Yesterday was Julian’s first birthday. It was a day filled with celebration, thinking about the day he was born, and with sadness thinking about how he isn’t here with us anymore. I wanted to focus on our sweet memories with him, but it’s so difficult to do that as those memories are quickly pushed away by sadness and anger at God and the world. The four of us visited Julian and brought him flowers, toys, a stuffed animal, a balloon, pictures and a handmade drawing. I wanted to give him what he would have had if he was still here with us, a birthday celebration.

We took pictures with “him” at the cemetary, which was so sad to take his first birthday picture there. We ate dinner at Julian’s Pizza in Monroe and we baked coconut cupcakes and sang Happy Birthday to him. The kids blew out the candle since he wasn’t here to do it. Again, so sad to be doing this without him. We also watched his home video and it was so nice to see his face again. I remembered what it felt like to hold him and kiss him. The kids loved watching the video but then the sadness and anger quickly returned, seeing him having difficulties breathing and remembering his days at the hospital and thinking about how he is not alive anymore.

This is not easy! We have to work so hard to manage each day and to try to live each day, but that is getting harder and harder to do each day. I find myself not wanting to open the shades in the morning to see the sun and wanting to just be alone more and more. Then, I’m quickly reminded how Lilliana, Lucas and Michael feel the same sadness and anger and how I am their mother/wife and I need to help them. It’s my job. It’s important because I love them too. So, I open those shades in the morning and I hug and kiss them and try to live each day as best as I can. It’s not always easy when people say or do the wrong things and sometimes I am really angry with the world and people around me. So, instead of being angry, I’m going to try to communicate better about my feelings and my needs. Which brings me to this…

To all that want to visit him and talk to him…. Julian is buried at the Gates of Heaven Cemetary in Trumbull. Please, go and visit him. I’m sure he would love to see you. When you drive up, you’ll see his beautiful eyes looking at you. It’s the most beautiful thing you’ll ever see. He was (is) the most beautiful little baby in the whole world and he has so much love to give.

If you can’t make it to the cemetary, then pray to him at home. Think about him. Think about his smiles if he were here with us right now. Embrace his love by loving others. Be kind to others. Give of yourself to someone else. Stop hiding behind fear, anger and resentment. Make someone smile today. Even though Julian is not here with us anymore, we are still here. Everyone that is reading this right now is still here and has the power to show others love, kindness, respect. I welcome your love and your friendship. I am still a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter…. and my friends and family need me. Your family and friends need you too. Give them a hug today. Tell them that you love them. Listen to them. Make them smile. Laugh together and always, always remember our little baby, Julian.

On Monday, November 8, 2010, Michael and I were at Bridgeport Hospital, welcoming our new baby boy, Julian.

Thinking of him today and everyday. Forever in our hearts and in our memories. Just look at him, he’s just beautiful and so sweet!

I remember this day like it was just this morning… the anticipation of his arrival and then seeing him as they pulled him out of inside my body. I was so excited, I wanted (want) him soooo very much. I will never forget that moment. They took him right away to the NICU though and I didn’t get to hold him or kiss him right when he was born. That was so sad as I looked forward to laying him on my chest as they wheeled me out of surgery. I tried to be positive and looked forward until the moment that I did hold him, later that day and prayed that everything would be ok.

Holding his hand for the very first time….

To those of you that have read about our fish, Hammerhead, we have some sad news. He passed away today. It makes me so very sad that he is gone. He was here throughout all of Julian’s life and he survived so many close to death episodes, but he couldn’t keep going on any longer. Yes, it’s a fish, but I took care of that fish all the time, I revived him so many times but I couldn’t do it anymore and now he is gone. It’s so sad that this happened right at this sad time.