Category: Life, Health & Wellness

There are no words to express my sadness and loneliness. Everything is different now. People are different. Relationships are different. Life is different. I’ve been looking at Julian’s beautiful pictures and remembering what it felt like to hold him and touch his soft hands. He was my baby, my son. He is part of me.

I look back at photos of when I was pregnant and I can look into my eyes and I see myself there staring back at me and I wish so much that I could come back. I wish that I was the same person as I was at this time last year. He was inside of me, growing and we were all anticipating the moment of his arrival. We would think about holding him, about changing his diaper, about where to put all of his clothes, about where he would sleep, about cuddling and playing with him. Lucas would tell us all about what he was going to teach him, how he was going to teach him how to play with trains. Lilliana said she was going to read to him and make him laugh. We all had plans to be with him and enjoy his cuteness. We didn’t get much of a chance to do that so it’s tough when we think about it.

It’s so much easier to be on the “outside” and say all the things that I am so tired of hearing… “you have two other beautiful children”, “he is your angel”, “you have to move forward”… I know people are just trying to help but really, this does not help. It just makes me angry and more sad. Don’t you think I know all of these things? I wake up every single day and I do fun things with my kids. We go on vacation together. We play together. We hug and kiss each other. Of course I know that I have two other children and a husband. They are right here with me. Of course I appreciate that they are here. Of course I love them and am trying my best to continue with life. I created an entire business, I took my kids on fun trips, I visit with family and friends. I am doing a great job. I am trying my very best and I think I deserve so much more credit.

What I wish so much for people to say and haven’t heard are “He was so precious and so beautiful. I can understand why you miss him so much. He was your third baby. You always wanted lots of children. It must be so difficult to be without him. It must be so hard to wake up every day and see that is not there anymore. It must be so hard being strong, yet real for your kids, your husband and all of your family. You must want to cry so much and feel so trapped and not able to. When you shed a tear and are sad you must want to just get a hug and compassion instead of looks of dissapointment. I’m sure you just want to cry sometimes and for people to say, “It’s ok to cry” “Go ahead, talk about him, cry for him”.

Just because I am sad sometimes, just because I talk about the sadness and the longing for him sometimes doesn’t mean I am taking my family for granted. I miss him because he was my baby, my child. I am allowed to feel sadness for him too. I am allowed to think about him. I am allowed to want to hold him.

So, here it is. Here is my sadness on paper. Here are my tears. It’s ok to feel this way. I just need your compassion and love and I need true friends. Friends that really care about me and about my family. Friends who can be understanding and not selfish and inconsiderate. Friends who show me that no matter what happens in life, they will always be here for me, as I am here for all of you.

I’m thinking about you Julian. I love you Julian. I think you are beautiful. I think you are sweet. I think you are the most special baby in this entire world. I’m so glad that I was able to hold you. I’m so glad that I was able to see you every moment of every day while you were here. Thank you for being my son. You are truly magical and yes, my little angel. You will always, always be in my heart and in my arms.

Every time I open the freezer, I see it there and every time I see it, it reminds me of my beautiful baby, Julian. It reminds me of how much my heart aches for him and how much my children’s and husband’s hearts ache for him, every day.

Even though that freezer is always filled up to its rim, I will never throw away that milk. I will ALWAYS have space for my Julian, always. It’s one of my connections to him. So even though it’s so very sad to see it there and not being used by him, it’s a part of him that is still here, in it’s own little way.

 

Lilliana and Lucas went for their annual check-ups recently and Lilliana is in the 75% for weight and height and Lucas is in the 75% of weight and 95% of height! I just can’t believe how big they are getting and so quickly. Soon, I will be looking up at them, all of them, including my 6’3″ husband.

To me, though, they will ALWAYS be my little babies. I love them dearly, more then life itself.

I wish I knew the answer. I’m sure all of you wish you knew the answer to why certain things have happened in your life.

The intense pain. The constant reminders. The loss. The emotional battles with friends, family and my own self. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t think that I can. I just want to ignore it. Run away from it. Return to my old life. I just can’t handle everything that comes with such a loss. For all of you that have suffered a loss, you know what I mean. It’s more then “losing someone”… it’s losing a part of yourself, it’s losing a connection with the world and life, it’s losing others along the way. It’s intense. It’s real. It’s difficult. No one can understand. No one “gets it” unless they have suffered the exact same pain as you, but no one has.Everyone’s circumstances are different. Everyone’s stories are different.

It’s more complicated then it seems. It doesn’t pass over time. It just feels stronger.We need the constant support. We will always need it. We need it more now then before. Now, life is real. Things are moving forward and we are stuck in the same place. We can’t move without constant love, compassion, friendship, kind words, acknowledgement, respect. Even if we constantly struggle with the “why”, at least we have loved ones to help us feel loved along the way.

Today, my little Lucas celebrates his FOURTH Birthday! I just can’t believe it. He’s going into pre-school in the Fall. I remember taking my little Lilliana to pre-school just the other day and now it’s going to be Lucas.

Tonight, we are going to have a special birthday cake. Per Lucas’ request, we are going to make a Chocolate Cake with Peanut Butter Frosting and add a layer of Peanut Butter filling with crushed Newman’s Own Oreos in the middle! His cousins and grandparents are coming over to celebrate with him.

Happy Birthday Lucas!

It’s midnight and I can’t seem to go to bed. When it’s quiet in the house, it’s the time when I seem to be the saddest, thinking a lot about the day and how Julian wasn’t here to share it with us. This weekend, we went to NYC with the kids in honor of their birthdays. Lilliana was so excited to get her very first American Girl Doll. She had saved up for months to get the doll and all her favorite accessories. The doll that she picked doesn’t have an official name so we named her Julia.

Lucas enjoyed the train ride the most. He LOVED seeing the trains go by at the station, looking at the tracks, riding the train. He couldn’t stop smiling. My little Lucas loves his trains!

Aside from visiting the American Girl store, we also visited the Lego store and FAO Shwartz and showed the kids Rockefeller Center. It was a very nice day. We didn’t have time to do much of anything else because as all of you know that have kids, it takes a long time to do just a few things, especially in the busy city of New York.

We thought about Julian a lot on our trip. There were a lot of reminders along the way and we all think he would have enjoyed going with us. I think about him often and it is so difficult to function and be completely happy without him. I struggle with it every day. I feel so lost sometimes, well actually all the time. Life was so grand and so happy before all of this happened. When I was pregnant with him, I was so happy with my family, with my life, with my THREE children. Now, it is so difficult to answer the question I get asked almost on a daily basis by other moms, “So, how many children do you have?” I don’t even know how to answer it anymore. It leads to a story and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to share our story.

Now, when I look at the smiles of parents, who have everything going well in their families, I am jealous, I am sad, I am disappointed. I know what they feel like… I know what that true bliss of happiness feels like. I used to have it too and now it’s gone. Now, I can’t seem to get it back and that’s what makes me the saddest of all. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children, I love my husband and I am so happy they are still here with me, but I don’t think I can enjoy them the same way that I used to. I don’t know if I can be completely happy with life anymore. It’s a challenge. It’s going to be a struggle for the rest of my life.

Keeping busy with Food Jules and everything else in life, doesn’t seem to help much these days. As a matter of fact, sometimes it seems to be doing just the opposite. Perhaps it’s because of the Lyme and the tiredness and migraines I’m getting again because of the disease or maybe it’s because it’s difficult to get a good night’s rest anymore since Julian died or maybe it’s because of the relentless strikes and challenges that life keeps bringing me. Whatever it is, I hope it gives me a break soon and a chance to just breathe again and be able to really smile and be happy. At least, that’s what I’m hoping will happen one day.