Category: Life, Health & Wellness

Spring is unfolding here in Connecticut…. the trees and flowers are starting to bloom, the weather is getting warmer, the kids are riding their bikes, even the ice cream truck is already out and about. But one thing remains the same, Julian is still not here.

For those of you who follow this blog, we’ve all been pretty busy with school, work and personal commitments but even through all that “outside cover” of our busy lives, our hearts and our minds keep yearning for Julian to be here with us. There are still reminders of him everywhere, when we watch television, when we go to the grocery store, when we go to the playground, we we go to the library, when we see family and friends. He’s everywhere and our loss is always with us.

This loss has been very sad for us but it has taught us a lot too. It has taught us who our “real” friends are… those that make us still feel like ourselves, even though he isn’t here, those who comfort and support us, those who really care how we are feeling, now and always because the only difference between today and one year ago is the time difference because the feelings and the longing and the loss are still the same. Julian was OUR baby, he was OUR son, he was Lilliana and Lucas’ BABY BROTHER and he is not here with us, he is buried underground in some cold, lonely cemetary. We can no longer touch his soft hands and kiss his sweet face. We can’t watch him grow, walk and smile. All of that is gone and as time goes by, that will remain the same, always.

Lilliana has been expressing her sadness lately and yearning for her baby brother. She has doubts as to where he is, if God really exists, why this happened and why she just can’t have her brother back with her. I find myself helpless because you know what, I FEEL THE SAME WAY! We all miss him and can’t understand it either, we struggle with feelings of anger, sadness and resentment but what I’m trying so hard to also show her is that we can survive it, just one day at a time. We continue to love and support each other, no matter what and be understanding and compassionate to each other and to others. It’s ok to be sad and angry, anyone would be if such a tragedy happened to them. It sucks and life is really hard, even harder now, but we just have to take it one day at a time. That’s all that we can do and no one should expect anything else. We don’t just struggle with it for one day or two weeks but EVERYDAY for the REST of our lives!

Thinking of Julian yesterday, today, tomorrow and always. I love you my handsome man.

Even though today is an “official” day to show our love for our family and friends, every day should be that day. We all have such busy lives but it’s important to always take a moment to say “I Love You” or “I am thinking about you” to all our loved ones. You can do this simply with a phone call, a text, an email or just by doing something special. Remember, it’s the little things that matter the most. We all want to feel special and loved.

Today, and every day, I am thinking about and loving my littlest valentine, my sweet baby Julian. I hope he knows how much we love him and miss him. I wish I could hold you right now, Julian (and every other minute of every day) and give you a million hugs and kisses and see you smiling up at me and your brother, sister and daddy. We love you. Happy Valentine’s Day, Julian.

To all my loved ones, family and friends, Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you… wishing you lots of sincere love and happiness today and every day. XOXO

On January 19, 2011 our baby Julian died in my arms. It was the very last time I ever held him, that I ever kissed his soft face, that I ever saw life in his gorgeous eyes. I held him so close that day and wanted him to live so badly but he couldn’t, his little body couldn’t do it, not even in his most favorite place. There are so many sad memories from that day. I remember holding him for hours, while the doctors and nurses called the funeral home and made their arrangements. I couldn’t let him go. I held him and held him, hoping he would wake up, hoping his heart would start up again, hoping he would look up at me with those gorgeous, special eyes and smile, but he didn’t.

At the end of that terrible day, I had to turn him over to the man from the funeral home. I will NEVER forget that moment, handing my sweet little baby boy, that I had just given birth to a few short weeks before, to a complete stranger! Just a few weeks back, I was at the hospital, filled with excitement, waiting to meet my third beautiful baby and now I was back in a hospital, saying good bye to him. It’s just not right.

The nurse wheeled me outside with Julian in my arms, because I had to meet this man that was taking him from me, I had to see where he was going, and it was so un-bearable to hand him over and watch him leave me, forever, in the back of some strange sedan. I can’t even express my heartfelt pain and sorrow that day. It is something, among many things, that will live with me forever, all those times at home and all those times at the hospital, the good days and the bad days and the very, very bad days. It all changed my life, forever. It changed all of our lives, forever.

There are still days when I wake up and hope this was all a terrible nightmare but it’s not, it’s my life, this is all real and it all just really sucks! There is no better way to put it. Losing a child is by far the worst pain that I have ever, ever felt. It is life-changing… I am living in this nightmare and I can’t get out, my days haven’t been the same ever since he left us and they never will be the same.

Sure, I can “cope” as best as I can, I still play and love my children, I go on dates with my husband, I created Food Jules. I’ve done all that I can to be “strong” but through all of this exterior, inside, I am weak, I am sad, I am angry, I am lost, for this is truly the worst pain that anyone can ever live. This hole in my heart will never be healed, I will never stop missing him and hoping that I can one day see him again. We all need something to look forward to and that is mine… to one day, be together with him again, to one day be happy that we are together again! We miss you, Julian.

“Each life is a miracle that changes the world and leaves it a better place than it was before.” Today and every day, we are honoring the life of someone very special who will always be remembered with love. Julian has truly changed our lives and the lives of many, those that were blessed to meet him in person and those who he has touched through our stories and pictures of him.

We will always talk about him and we will always remember his beautiful, sweet, loving, special person that he was. He was amazing, he was special, he was a gift to us and he will be always be in our hearts, in my minds and in our souls. Until one day…. we will be together again and I will say once again, “hello, my handsome man”.

Ah, the sweet smell of Tide and Julian…

The other day, I bought the original powder laundry detergent by Tide. While I was at Yale New Haven Children’s Hospital with Julian, the nurses gave me this soap to do laundry. The smell of it brings me back to those last days of being with him and I want so much to be with him, especially right now. He was here with us at this time last year. He was here in this house and I was holding him, the kids were holding him… we were enjoying him being with us and not knowing that he would be leaving us in such a short time.

I think back to opening gifts on Christmas morning with all my three children. In our pajamas, while I held Julian in my arms, Lilliana and Lucas opened their gifts. It was such a special moment and is such a beautiful memory. It makes me so very sad to think that he isn’t here with us this year, that I can’t hold him on Christmas morning, that we’ll be less one. I am trying to make sure he is involved in Christmas this year… buying angel ornaments for all the cousins, getting special mugs with his photo for the grandparents, getting gifts for him from Santa and from us. I know that many of you would like to see some snow on Christmas but I would rather have his place without snow, so we could bring him his gifts.

I don’t know if these little things will help me feel closer to him at this time, but I am trying, I am trying so hard! But you know, this is not easy. It is so difficult watching people smiling during this time, listening to holiday music on the radio, watching all the kids full of excitement. I know, I should feel happy that everyone is happy, it’s good to be happy, you should be happy… but on some days, it is really sad to see people so damn happy and unfortunately, that is just the plain truth.

Christmas is still a few days away, but I am already looking forward until this is all over… I want to bring in 2012 and hope that it brings better days.

I apologize for being such a Grinch. What I want all of you to learn from this is that we need to appreciate all that we have. We were lucky to have Julian, he taught us so much but most of all, he taught us to really be appreciative of each other. Yes, there will be many times of sadness and tears, but there are also days when I give extra hugs and kisses to my kids and appreciate that they are here with us, there are days when instead of continuing a disagreement with loved ones, I just hug them instead, because it’s really not worth it. We are more important then anything else. So what Julian and I want you to do this holiday season, is to show everyone you love just how much you love them… with kind words and small gestures. There are no need for expensive gifts, haven’t you ever heard of “it’s the little things that matter the most” and just a hug and kiss (or a “thinking of you” text as we are in the new age) is what really does matter the most!

Sending you all a virtual HUG and KISS from Julian, Lucas, Lilliana, Michael and me!