Category: Life, Health & Wellness

Julian’s birthday is quickly approaching. We still remember, so vividly, the morning of November 8, 2010, when he was born. It was a day full of excitement and love, one of the happiest moments in our lives. I just can’t believe that it was just one year ago. So little time ago he was here with us and now life is so very different without him. We think about him often, talk about him, dream about him, think about what it would be like if he was still here. Would he like to play with trains? Would he be walking or crawling around our feet while we’re getting dressed in the morning? We continue being reminded of his presence around us. He is all around us. We can feel him so strongly sometimes.

On November 5th at 5:30pm, St Jude is having a Mass of Remembrance to remember all those that have died this past year, including our beautiful, sweet baby Julian. We plan to attend this event and be together as a family to remember our beautiful little baby.

Well, it may sound trivial to many of you, but last night we saved a little baby chipmunk’s life. A little baby girl.

Our cat, Jay Jay, brought her home to us in his mouth. We grabbed him away from the chipmunk right away and as the kids and I were looking at the tiny chipmunk breathing up and down, just laying there, trying her best to keep her life, we knew we had to do something. So, we did. Mike’s cousin, Joey, saves and cares for wild animals. He’s amazing. People call him when they find an injured animal. He’s had squirrels, owls, raccoons, opossum etc. He gives them medicine, cares for them as their injuries heal and then he releases them. The kids love going there to see the animals and watch him care and play with them. It truly is amazing how much he cares for these animals.

Anyway, we called him right away. Lilliana helped Joey clean his wounds and care for him and we think he’s going to make it. We did it. The kids were so excited and happy and what a great lesson for them.

I can’t express to you enough, how much love we had for that little chipmunk at the moment we met him. Yes, it reminded us of Julian. Lucas even said to me “Mommy, the chipmunk reminds me of Julian. It makes me sad.” I was there with him. We all were. So, we helped save his life and we feel so happy to have taken that initiative. We all wish we could have saved Julian’s life but we couldn’t heal him so we’re trying to heal others along the way, in the best way that we can.

So, if you ever see a wild animal on the side of the road and he’s injured but still living, maybe you’ll stop and make that phone call to help him and you too can help save a life!

Today is a very, very sad day. Plain and simple, I can’t stop thinking about my little baby Julian. As I’m driving Lucas to school, I feel the loneliness coming on… I feel the crisp weather outside and am reminded of this time last year and how I would be at the hospital right now getting my weekly ultrasound. I was anticipating his sweet arrival.

The house was different then. We were different. The mini-van is empty now. There isn’t a baby car seat in there anymore. Even Lucas’ car seat is not a toddler one anymore, he’s transitioned into a booster seat and now Lilliana is without a seat. Everything is so different and I don’t like it, not one bit!

I want to put that infant seat back in my car again. I want to look back and see him there smiling at me. Sometimes, this pain and loneliness is just unbearable. I”m being honest here, this isn’t the least bit easy, especially right now. In a few weeks, it will be his birthday. That was such a happy day for us. Our faces were gleaming with excitement. The kids couldn’t wait to meet their baby brother and visit me at the hospital.

The other day, I was organizing Lilliana’s paperwork from second grade and I read all of her journal entries from October-December and they were all about Julian, about looking forward to meeting him, about going to the hospital on Nov 8th to see him, about him coming home with us. Then, sadly I read the Christmas entry and she wrote her wishes and one of them was “to make Julian’s muscles get stronger because they are so weak.”She wanted him to get better and come home, we all did. We all wanted to live our life together, the five of us, as a family.

I am so tired of being so strong. All I want to do today is cry and cry and cry. Sometimes, I think that on November 8th, I will wake up, go to the hospital and see him again and everything will be ok. He will be ok and I will accept him with open arms. I would give anything for that to be true.

Well, it’s October now… the time is getting closer. We are definitely in the Fall season. I used to love this season. It was so much fun going pumpkin picking, on hay rides, picking apples, Fall decorations, trick or treating with the kids, Thanksgiving…. all leading up to the joy of the Christmas Holiday and being home for two weeks with the entire family. This was my happiest time, full of love and joy and all I am feeling right now is fear and sadness.

Julian’s first birthday is quickly approaching and I am at a loss of what to do to honor him. Fortunately, it’s election day so the kids are off from school on that day (November 8th) so maybe we’ll just spend the day together, enjoying each other, going to visit him at the cemetary and having family celebrate him with us. I want to put together a scrapbook of our memories with him and we can watch his home video. We may all be crying together instead of smiling but maybe that’s exactly what we all need.

I miss him so much! We are ALL feeling the emptiness in our lives and hearts without him.

Tonight, we helped Lilliana with one of her school assignments, to fill the outside of her journal with pictures of her family, events in her life, vacations, memories, pictures of favorites such as Julia, her American Girl Doll and her two cats as well as a picture of our little Mickey (our black cat that lived with me in NYC when he was a little kitten. he disappeared a couple years ago outside our home and was never found again. we still miss him A LOT!)

Well, as I was looking back at the photos, I was drawn to the photos of Lucas the day he was born, at the hospital and it made me so sad. These pictures should make me happy but instead I couldn’t look at them. I was reminded of how much I wanted those moments again with Julian and how those moments were stolen from me. Those happy, carefree, completely in love moments. I wish he was here. I wish things were different. I know that I’ve said this a million times, but this hurts A LOT! If you see me around, it may look like I’m ok, but that is the surface. If you look deep inside of my heart and my soul, you will see all the pain and all the sadness and all the regret that he isn’t here, that he was born sick, that he died. My little baby died. He is buried underneath the ground in a strange place with other strangers. My little beautiful baby who should be here with me, in my arms.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending some time with my nephew, Jake. Do you remember him? He was born two weeks after Julian was born so those very moments that I am missing with Julian, my sister is experiencing with Jake. I know she is enjoying them. I can see it loud and clear and it’s wonderful for her to enjoy him. He is special. Well, yesterday I spent a couple hours alone with him, me, Jake and Lucas while my sister got some stuff done around the house. It was such a joy to see Lucas playing with him and looking at him. He didn’t get mad when Jake tore apart his train tracks a million times and he smiled when Jake crawled up his leg and looked up at him. I thought about Julian so much. I thought about those moments when Julian would be playing with Lucas and Lucas playing with Julian. Those moments when I would be holding Julian and making him laugh, seeing those tiny little front teeth. Well, it so happens that Jake took four or five steps on his own for the very first time yesterday and I was there to see it. He walked to me. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited for him, for my sister as she watched her little baby walk and for me, because it reminded me of Julian, Lilliana and Lucas. I tried to enjoy all my time with him, instead of being sad. I wanted to enjoy his diaper changes (even the poppy), the onesie, the kisses, the baby smell, the feeding of cereal, the first steps… all of it. I miss my baby. I miss so much.