Category: Life, Health & Wellness

Well, I just can’t believe it but we are not the only ones that are under a lot of stress! So is our goldfish, Hammerhead. He’s been acting very strange over the last couple of days, laying upside down on the top of the water. We thought he was dead many times. The pet store told me that it sounds like “he’s stressed out”. I didn’t know that fish could be stressed? He told me to change his water and give him more food. That sounds about right, that’s what I need, a new environment and more food!

Hammerhead has been with us for over a year. It’s the longest that a fish has survived in this house. He lived here while I was pregnant and when Julian was here with us. Obviously, since our baby Julian was our top priority, we didn’t have much time for changing his water or feeding him during those nine weeks while Julian was here, but he has managed to survive. Now, that we are able to take care of him, he has come close to death a couple times already, but by some miracle, I was able to save him. Don’t ask me how, I just tried some bacteria stuff, changed his water, talked to him. I gave that fish a lot of attention. I didn’t want him to die. I wanted him to survive. I guess, I thought about Julian and how the fish met him and if and when he is to pass away, I will be very, very sad. It may sound weird to you, but I want to keep him around forever!

So, let’s hope that he makes it this time too. Thinking of my beloved baby Julian and missing him so very much today!

Today, September 19, 2011 marks eight months since our little baby Julian left this world. I can’t say that it has “gotten easier”, as a matter of fact, it has gotten more difficult to be without him. Just watching everyone’s world continue, babies being born, babies growing bigger and new babies to come. Life continues all around us as we stand still, battling our everyday sadness that lies within all of us, a battle and sadness that will continue for the rest of our living days. We all love him so much and wish he was here with us, to enjoy our hugs and kisses and our family.

Thinking of you, Julian, today and every minute of every other day.

I’ve been blessed with some wonderful, sweet and genuine friends and family in my life. Of course, I’ve also come across those that are the complete opposite but I think we all can agree that we meet people that have their own agendas and intentions.

Well, one of my dear cousins is the sweetest, smartest, more caring person that I have ever met. She has always been by my side, without any of her own judgements. She gives all she can to those that she loves, she is considerate, she is gentle and she is beautiful, both on the inside and outside. She is truly an amazing person and anyone that is blessed with her friendship and love should feel honored.

This weekend, we  spent an entire day together, doing what girls love to do….  talk, eat, shop and we even cried. It was a great day and I look forward to spending more days with her and with my truly honest, genuine, sweet loved ones, those that remind me most of my sweet baby Julian and talk about his beautiful, yet brief, existence here on earth with us.

It seems that I haven’t been able to write much on my blog lately. Yes, we were on vacation for a couple weeks and yes, our electricity was lost for one week, but that was a relief because I couldn’t even find the words for you. I have been very silent about my feelings over the last few weeks and it is tearing me up inside. I just can’t stand it anymore. The tears haven’t subsided in days. I am so sad and so angry about a lot that has happened in my life over the past couple of years.

The weather is so cold and rainy outside today. It reminds me of the beginning of fall and it reminds me of our anticipation at this time last year for Julian to be born. The house was different. We were different.

Lilliana returned to school today. She is in third grade now and I am going to miss her so very much. Lucas starts pre-school tomorrow too. These were the days that I was looking forward too because it would allow me some alone time with Julian. It was his turn for my full attention and now he isn’t here and I will be all alone. Actually, I’ve been alone for a long time. Yes, physically I have family and friends but emotionally I am alone. I can’t express to you the overwhelming sadness that takes over your body when you lose a child, when you lose yourself. There is a big hole in my heart. I am dreading tomorrow. I should be happy for my little Lucas because it is a very exciting time in his life but tomorrow will be difficult. I’m not going to lie to you. It will be extremely difficult.

I have planned out what I will be doing on those three mornings when he is in pre-school and I pray to God that it helps me get through this most difficult time, but with the Fall approaching and our little baby Julian’s first birthday, the loneliness will take over my entire self. I can’t even think about Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas. It makes me so sick to my stomach to think about all of this, to think about all of it, all that has happened to me physically, emotionally and spiritually.