Author: foodjules

Tonight, we helped Lilliana with one of her school assignments, to fill the outside of her journal with pictures of her family, events in her life, vacations, memories, pictures of favorites such as Julia, her American Girl Doll and her two cats as well as a picture of our little Mickey (our black cat that lived with me in NYC when he was a little kitten. he disappeared a couple years ago outside our home and was never found again. we still miss him A LOT!)

Well, as I was looking back at the photos, I was drawn to the photos of Lucas the day he was born, at the hospital and it made me so sad. These pictures should make me happy but instead I couldn’t look at them. I was reminded of how much I wanted those moments again with Julian and how those moments were stolen from me. Those happy, carefree, completely in love moments. I wish he was here. I wish things were different. I know that I’ve said this a million times, but this hurts A LOT! If you see me around, it may look like I’m ok, but that is the surface. If you look deep inside of my heart and my soul, you will see all the pain and all the sadness and all the regret that he isn’t here, that he was born sick, that he died. My little baby died. He is buried underneath the ground in a strange place with other strangers. My little beautiful baby who should be here with me, in my arms.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending some time with my nephew, Jake. Do you remember him? He was born two weeks after Julian was born so those very moments that I am missing with Julian, my sister is experiencing with Jake. I know she is enjoying them. I can see it loud and clear and it’s wonderful for her to enjoy him. He is special. Well, yesterday I spent a couple hours alone with him, me, Jake and Lucas while my sister got some stuff done around the house. It was such a joy to see Lucas playing with him and looking at him. He didn’t get mad when Jake tore apart his train tracks a million times and he smiled when Jake crawled up his leg and looked up at him. I thought about Julian so much. I thought about those moments when Julian would be playing with Lucas and Lucas playing with Julian. Those moments when I would be holding Julian and making him laugh, seeing those tiny little front teeth. Well, it so happens that Jake took four or five steps on his own for the very first time yesterday and I was there to see it. He walked to me. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited for him, for my sister as she watched her little baby walk and for me, because it reminded me of Julian, Lilliana and Lucas. I tried to enjoy all my time with him, instead of being sad. I wanted to enjoy his diaper changes (even the poppy), the onesie, the kisses, the baby smell, the feeding of cereal, the first steps… all of it. I miss my baby. I miss so much.

Well, I just can’t believe it but we are not the only ones that are under a lot of stress! So is our goldfish, Hammerhead. He’s been acting very strange over the last couple of days, laying upside down on the top of the water. We thought he was dead many times. The pet store told me that it sounds like “he’s stressed out”. I didn’t know that fish could be stressed? He told me to change his water and give him more food. That sounds about right, that’s what I need, a new environment and more food!

Hammerhead has been with us for over a year. It’s the longest that a fish has survived in this house. He lived here while I was pregnant and when Julian was here with us. Obviously, since our baby Julian was our top priority, we didn’t have much time for changing his water or feeding him during those nine weeks while Julian was here, but he has managed to survive. Now, that we are able to take care of him, he has come close to death a couple times already, but by some miracle, I was able to save him. Don’t ask me how, I just tried some bacteria stuff, changed his water, talked to him. I gave that fish a lot of attention. I didn’t want him to die. I wanted him to survive. I guess, I thought about Julian and how the fish met him and if and when he is to pass away, I will be very, very sad. It may sound weird to you, but I want to keep him around forever!

So, let’s hope that he makes it this time too. Thinking of my beloved baby Julian and missing him so very much today!

Today, September 19, 2011 marks eight months since our little baby Julian left this world. I can’t say that it has “gotten easier”, as a matter of fact, it has gotten more difficult to be without him. Just watching everyone’s world continue, babies being born, babies growing bigger and new babies to come. Life continues all around us as we stand still, battling our everyday sadness that lies within all of us, a battle and sadness that will continue for the rest of our living days. We all love him so much and wish he was here with us, to enjoy our hugs and kisses and our family.

Thinking of you, Julian, today and every minute of every other day.